Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
Choose Your Fighter
Choose Your Fighter

Episode 13 · 1 year ago

Episode 13: Victorian Vagabond Vengeance

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Join our hosts for the story of Erasmus and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. This week we try to figure out what modern concepts would overwhelm the mind of a Victorian-era boy and along the way learn the value of teamwork, but never fully understand when the Victorian era was. 

Hello, dear listeners, come gatherround to hear a podcast with jukes and japs bound. You're in trippet.WHO's this eve? Imbibed quite a lot and it seems along the way they'velost the plot. Join our heroes for some dubious impressions. Here's the firstone. It's a Victorian child playing the game of twenty questions. Papa,Papa. They knew I was talking about asparagus. It knew. The fortuneteller the fat. That teller in my hand. I said, yes,it is vegetable and it said, sparagus smaller than a microwave. It what? Don't know. What of my career is my grewing? How do Ithe egg? The egg is told me how I will die. Choose yourwelcome to choose your fighter. It's a comedy debate podcast where, for longtime, friends discuss who would win in fantasy matchups from everything from cereal mascotsto the eighth wonder of the world. My Name Is Evan Atkinson. Ijoined by my lovely cohosts Emily Lamb Claire Tulli. Before you guys, jointhis call, say I looked at myself and I said I look like amiddle school boy named Austin and I just can't unsee it. I don't knowhow to get rid of it. So if you haveny tips left me,stop using axebody spray and my other cohost, Tala, Psalm on. I'm Talaand I'm drinking a vodka soda. It's a personality trait and we're joinedby our special guys. Were so lucky to have her this week. She'sback again. It's Claire Milburn. Hey, guys, Um, I'm really extendedto unite with you to kill this Victorian child this week. After wehad a really rough week class, week of fighting against each other. I'mhoping that this one will bring us together rough that this is how we allhad to unite. But Claire gave a good tease. This week we aretalking about something we've seen it as a viral trend on tick tock. Peoplebeen giving presentations on this, but we thought it'd be funny for us totackle, because everything's funny when we do it right. So this week weare talking about modern things, modern concepts, modern products that would mess up aVictorian child very, very badly if they had to encounter this in theirdaily life. Were really thought, it was to like destroy the child interesting, you know, like things, I would just be like blow their minds. Okay, let's talk. Let's really thought you want to do this.All right, let's go. Nothing can kill a Victorian child, y'all.This kid has if a kid has made it to age ten in the Victorianera, in ninety eighteen, thirty seven to nineteen O one. WHOA,that's more research than any of us have done. Yes, this is whenQueen Victoria was president of England. Presidents fucking Gotcha immediately. All everything you'regoing to say is invalid. Women can't be president or no, wait,why was children these? This child has survived at least three cholera outbreaks.He's been working at the the cotton factory since he was five years old,sweeping up cotton fibers. He has them in his lungs. He's a lunginfection already. He has been given opium since he started teething. He wasgiven in cocaine and alcohol to quiet down as a child. The smell ofeverything around him, because people just used to throw their shit into the basementsof their houses. So is entire house and world just smelled like pure rancidshit. This kid has survived so much he literally was brushing his teeth withgin, but like essentially moonshine. At that point, like you can't killhim. So if we can figure out how to kill him, we win. Yes, episode sponsored by the George Washington University Masters and Public Health Programthat's all knowledge. It's on knowledge. Thank you, Claire, for doingI don't know where you just pulled that out from. I believe all ofit on the number she pulled out in the beginning. I like that weare united, though. This is this is a rarity for the PODCAST,is we're all working together to really fuck up a kid. So like we'restill mortally depraved, but they say no together. In this one, allthe fucked up one is taken kill us. So who? This kid probably wouldkill us. Come at me. I'm definitely dying by this kid.Rasmus, Arasmus, all right, I got that's that's also like the Europeanword for study of road, which is...

...funny. His name is a Rasmusand he's, would you say ten? He's a ten year old from London. All right, yeah, so I'm a sweet it resmus. I'm veryexcited being your and your your Talky, talky program we're podcast in the Victorianera. Just a group of people yelling outside of a bar. Oh,this is what I think about. Unsolved murdered and someone goes, I don'tknow if he did it, cereal, Oh, I don't think they.Jack did all those murders. He wasn't even that platform. Three and fourquarters and four quarters. That's just platform for we're getting into round one kickingoff. I'm here, it's Evan and I'm going up against Claire. Theseare things that we think could go really wrong for a Victorian child if theyencountered them. It's Taki's versus nickelodeon slime. Oh, that's a good one,Claire. Talk to us about why nickelodeon slime would kill sweet little erasmus. Honestly, I've just been thinking about slime a lot lately and I feellike we're not talking about it enough. Like I just if you just,like just take yourselves back to like when we were in elementary school watching thekids choice awards, Jack Black is hosting literally all they did. I don'tremember anything that happened on any of those shows. They just dumped slime oneveryone, like that's insane. It just the winners or it's everyone getting flung. Everyone got slim you when you lose, you get slimed. And we werejust like yeah, this is so good, I don't care. It'sreally good to choose. Or is there like an Electoral College for Nickelodeon?That's like no college. You definitely like went on Nickcom and like put inyour vote, and then somehow ever, and then the robot from my lifeas a teenage robot, actually got a cast, like a supervote. Whatdo you think it's like? It looks so fun and so like, butit a Victorian child could not handle it. No, too slippery, too green, that they didn't have colors back then. I don't think he knewwith a fool you don't remember. It was black and white. Still.Yep, no, okay, this is I'm getting all everyone was too deep. I'M gonna make a bold claim and say that this is I think there'snothing more representative of the era than a bunch of people getting slimmed. Ithink it resembles waste and capitalism in America. Hey, and I think it's dangerousenough to drown this ten year old boy in slide. It's a viscussludge dropped without warning. Yes, okay, I like that. I also well, I've some not not. But let me tell you a little bitabout talkies. More broadly, hot fries as a category of smack. Andif we're thinking Victorian England, we're not thinking spice. There's almost no flavorhere. You're growing up eating a scotch, a good bankers and Mesh, justgarbage, bad food, bad food for your arteries. And you gotanother one for this one. They put bore axe in the milk so thatit wouldn't taste sour. Why do you know this? I did a lotof research and then I kind of just kept going. It was so interesting. Victorian England was fucking terrible. These guys are like fuck in monsters.Yes, like so, this is a this is an unkillable child. Okay, essentially, humans were like equivalent with apes before the Victorian era and weevolved after the Victorian era. That's what I'm believing right now. I'm imaginingthat me, as a time traveler, shows up and gives erasmus one ofthese magical spicy chips. For those of you don't know, Takis are likehot chee does, but like rolled upwards. Hot Che doesn't talk. Yeah,it's just it's really, really spicy food, and I don't know ifthe Victorian Boy Pallett is especially ready for spice at all, but especially asconcentrated and as wild as it is for your digestive tract as tackies are like. I think he's going to eat one and be like oh well, whatis what is that? Because it's a new taste. Have you ever tastedsomething completely new at some point you had to have but once the last timeyou tasted something where you like, I don't know what to say. Thatis I'm feeling like I need to. Everyone need everyone needs to, butI think that this there's no way that this sweet, sweet, Pale,pale boy erasmus has ever had anything on...

...par with Taki's. He's not sweet. Just saying he's a monster, apparently, according to Claire. Know he's builtdifferent, but sometimes I'm not ready for talkies, and this is fulladmission. I ate hot cheetos my entire life growing up. Didn't have hotor until like two thousand and sixteen, and they did fuck me up thefirst time. I ate them I was like, Oh, in a goodway. I really think that this is going to like really ruin his mindon the front end with a taste he's never experienced before, but also onthe back end pretty bad for a while, depending on how many talkies he eats. Like I get that probably everything you ate in the Victorian period wouldmake you shit like a river. Like I bet that there was. There'snothing good about the toilets and troughs that these boys spend their time on.They had buckets whatever, whatever surf or poor person is walking down, youknow, saddle row that day is gonna get a just the worst rain stormfrom our boys made emptying his chamber pot into this tree. Also, erasmusis rich. I'm imagining erasmus is like got doilies on and like he's gothigh white socks and like nature shoes and he's like, you know, hopsaround. You probably had a performance of the nutcracker. He's the kid wechoose to time travel, no, word, time traveling back to fuck this kidup like around mess know this, like we're going to find out thatthis kid is going to turn into like Jack The ripper or something at somepoint and we got to get him first, Nice like. That's the only waythat I'm gonna Allow Violence Against this child, no matter how indirect is. He's gonna do something horrible at some point. We don't know what thatis, but right now we have to non violently fuck his shit up sobad. This podcast is not condone violence against children. We need a ruinthis boy. We need a fucking make his mind implode and his body emptyitself. That's why I'm saying you hit him with a one too bunch newtaste bad shits. That's my argument for Talkies, or essentially, dump GreenShit on him. Okay, my only thing is there's been decent chance thisboy has been running around suits of London and already had green shit dumped onhim. Yeah, he probably ate it, yeah, and you probably fine.That's why he's twelve. He didn't die when he was nine. Hisbrother did. He ate shit, but he survived and he can survive thisline. Yeah, that's fair. Oh, I know, I feel good.No, we're united, I'm we're all a minute. Welcome to thefirst episode of choose your friend. You still stuck like imagining both of them, and usually does come at us with you know, let's let's envision thefight. Claire, all the Erasmus, and why don't you be you travelingback in time to ruin my day with this green slime. Oh, comego, I'll play hope and stick with my friend Timothy. I'll put onmy put on my best high socks. IDE DUDE gonna come down to thebikes, the ribbon, the tents. Could go down to the tents.Wow, he just got off work at a factory. Is He's here?He's a bit older than me. He's eleven. And all right, I'mthe village tag that some time I'm dis guys as the village Hag boy,Philippina, what you doing? Is Okay, I'm walking up, I'm dress.I'm dressed in a gray wig. I have a I have a wordand a big pointy knows. It looks like a witch. Will you,crusty beach? What you I thought we would try and traveling where I'm carrying? I'm carrying a chamber pot, but inside it is nickelodeon slime. WHOA? And then the entire crowd of people come the cave. Brought them backwith him. You kids from the twenty one century are cheering. WHOA.They were in glow rise jeans, ran a COP grows and loose these capsand they're cheering and they all have buckets of slime and young pump it onthis kid and we fill his entire bed chamber with green slime, him init. Yep, sides winning. Sold that sold it. You really helpme. That's what I was struggling with. Hold on, just's gonna they're goingto be stopping their tracks. Then they're gonna have nowhere to go.All Right, let me fucking flip this Tala. Can you be a Rasmusreal quick, and I just want to walk you through this talky situation.What is all this green? Nope, this is separate day. These aretwo we're not shakespeare life by boy.

What do you want? Yeah,I got something spicy for you to try. You want to give it a littletaste. I got some special straight from the new world, from theAmerica's, from the America's it's one thousand eight hundred and ninety. Yeah,the new world, which has been its own country for quite some time,from from the Spanish colonies. I got some feet heat. Take take oneof these. It's like a tobacco pipe, but you just eat it. Iguess like food. You are do ask my Oky? No, justjust eat it. I guess I pitched it kind of wrong. This youmight have heard of. This is food. Oh, like my vacants, planingfood. I don't come. Let me walk you through this, right. So it's you take it, you crunch it, you munch it.It's going to be you, Ramsey. So Ramsey, the first. SoGordon Ramsey, it's me. Yes, this is what Golden Ramsey sounds like. Now you fucking age it. Eat My snacks. Okay, what's yourreaction to the snakes? Why you playing Dand all right, listen, everyboy. I think this fun. I think in the spice him the fuckup. I think he'd be so ruined by this. If our sweet littleboy. Yeah, this might be a terrible idea of how to emily justgone. I had to stand up. That was ridiculous cry. I thinkthat this spice would wreck him. I think that the nickelodeon slime it soundslike, could suffocate him, which is pretty crazy. But yeah, I'mguessing that if he's unprepared for the spice, he has no milk around. He'snot my water around. I think he's going to eat this, he'sprobably gonna have to wash it with some beer, is what he's going towash it down. That's true. He's gonna do. How do you cleanup slime? That's another thing that we haven't put into how you clean itup? Hey, you don't. Victorian people are Gross, all right.They're getting shit dumped on them, like literal Shit dumped on them, andthey're like yeah, I don't need a shower. Oh Man, this isjust like a lot of pus from me. Uncle's Gout. All Right, I'mputting this one to a vote. It is between hot fries. Okay, tak he's a nickelodeon slime as something that will kill a Victorian child.You know where I stand and you know where Claire Stands. But, EmilaKaris, to hear what you think. It's fine from the get go,going with it from the jump. I love it. Tala, yes,they're getting dumped shit on the multi time. They've never had spice before. WHOAas somebody from the Indian subcontinent, I got to ret my spices.We're gonna call, yeah, yeah, called John Kane, Johnny John.I want to find out from you which of these two things would most likelykill a Victorian era child. Your option is either child a boy. Hisname is a Rasmus, that doesn't matter, but it's a ten year old Victorianboy. Is it a Taki's or be the slime from the the NICKELODEONteen choice awards? So the sum. I don't think it is going tokill him, but I'm pretty sure that they aren't either. It's going tobe what people do to him as soon as they see that he is thesinking of having talk. Mainly you probably do a cleaver black old fish withno one else in his time to beat from the describe as they're going tobe. All right, mercury, mercury and Leeches, and I'm Tobab soI'm getting willing whether or not fling is going to sending straight to the oldLeech doctor first, or if I'm gonna go with you're going with talkies.People were terrified the plague that as soon as due more than once a month, because they'll realize you probably fine. It's happy, though. It's likeit's hidden. Will probably never recover. There's like a little bit. SoI'm gonna go with the talk. He's he's gonna end up with a doctor. They're gonna fucking mercuries, as they're probably going a little bit of cocaineis little baby here's going to exclude John. I think that's perfect reasoning. Thankyou so much for your stage wisdom. As always, John McCain, ourgo to military strategists and guest on this podcast, has picked talkis becauseit would most likely incur the wrath of Victorian era doctors, which are muchmore dangerous than any of the things that we are bringing to the table.I think that is smart. Moving on...

...to the next round, it's talkhe's. Y'All, I couldn't be happier with an outcome. Right now,honestly, entering into our second matchup of the night, it's emily lamb versusTala Palmon. I'm pretty excited about this. These are these are two things thatrevolve around the world the word middle for one, it's middle school andfor one it's the medium. It is a battle between Teresa Kaputo, theLong Island medium, and something I wore in middle school. It's Healy's.They immediately has a picture of Teresaka Pudo pulled up, who looks like aHalloween costume to share. She looks as though I could buy her at aparty. City did Bring Teresa Kapudo into this. She's my hero. MM, can you talk to us a little bit about who the fuck is TeresaKa Pudo? Who? Who? Geez, she's the Long Island medium. Letme tell you a little bit about Teresa. Here, Teresa with athh. Unusual, but we like it. Wait, I wish I could goon a date with Teresa Ka Pudo and we go to a bar andI say, can I get a medium long island for this long island medium. She used to have like night terrors and stuff, and that's how shefound out that she was a medium, and before she even had her ownshow. Oh, she has three yearlong wait of people wanting to sit withher and like get a reading from her, and now you have to wait likesix years before you can get one. None of that matters to effect,to a Victorian child, none of that matter because they're going to seethis lady and they're going to be talking about which is like their entire lives, talking about it, wondering about it, not really thinking about it all thatmuch anymore, but Kinda. And then there's Teresa Caputo in with herhair to the gods, walks in and she goes, tell me about thatnecklace you're wearing. I feel someone coming forward. Does that mean anything toyou? And then they just get rocked from somebody that is died. Thenthey just get rock they're thinking about it for the rest of their lives.I don't think they can ever get over it. I don't think we've painteda good enough picture of Teresa Pudo for our audience who may not be familiarwith her. She looks like Elvira got like hit by whiting, like sheshe looks like she looks like somebody trying really hard and only going halfway withan amy winehouse costume for Halloween. This is a fact. She goes andgets her nails done every two weeks to make sure that her nails are exactlyone inch from her cuticle to the tip of her now I bet she doeseven during covid she's a fucking monster. You know, this one's hard andin the spirit of being totally honest, I think I might still vote forthe long island person, because that's how much I think long island, anythingor anyone from Long Island, could kill anything from the Victorian era, LongIsland baby. Yeah, I'M gonna really slide in here real quick, rollon in here, you know what, because it's the healing and it canroll. But you didn't see it coming, just like the Victorian child is notgoing to see a coming. I'm gonna be like, here's some shoes, you can have some comfy shoes, and he's gonna be like what hershoes first? Cool, I have shoes now, comfortable shoes. Pretty surethey have poller. When is the Victorian Eraty? They had really shitty shoes. Okay, they had to go get their shoe from the shop guy wholike made it by hand. And the Cobbler. Yeah, the Cobbler.Whatever, we're talking about? Cobbler, you are we talking about cobblers?That just reminded me that I want to be a cobbler when I see exactlythis is what I'm talking about. Medicine conversation. You cobblers. In mylife I've all been delightful. Look, they're they're scary. People don't wantto go see them and they also don't make that great shoes back then.Now, maybe they do back then, no, they don't, because onlymade in China shoes were good. So this kids getting some made in China. Heele, he's famously during the eighteen hundred shoes made in China were prettyrough for women. He l's are going to blow his mind. He's gonnastep into them, he's gonna walk like normal, think everything's normal. Boom, kids hitting some slides, going down Tala and I'm picking up when you'reputting down. And I love this idea because I for one moment sweet erasmus. They she's the most comfortable shoes out of a head. I feel likeI'm walking on clouds. I am. It's not the name. The nailsaren't going into a sweet soft white feet, like he's not. No, Ikeep bringing up the fact that he's Pale. That's just how I matchedVictoria Boys. He's like, Oh, the NEAT base, do you hell? The nails aren't going into his feet, like these are hurting him. Hedoesn't have any blisters. Like. The idea of rubber and like foamin these shoes is going to make him.

It's going to blow his mind andhe's going to take a few steps in these shoes and then he's goingto hit the cobblestones. Streets of early London and just wipe the fuck outevery time he tries to stand up. I recently went I. I livenear Soho in New York, and I took my rollerblades out and on alittle rollerblading trip and I was having so much fun. I'm not good atstopping, though, because I'm not rollerblade in a long time and around meare a lot of cobblestone streets and I will say if you have shoes withwheels on them, the worst thing in the world is a cobblestone street likethis. Poor boy is probably going to feel the sweet kiss of clouds onhis feet and then immediately experience the worst feeling them to humankind. But can'tyou take the you can take the wheels out if you got a wrench?I don't think he knows that. That's more engineering than these kidd and seedin his life. No wrenches in Victorian England. I just don't think that'strue. I think he's been working in the factory. I think he understandsin your engineering better than any of us. has never seen more coddlers. Backthen we probably did have witches, though. We listen mediums, Ibet they still exist, and all of that was based on silly stuff likecan this woman read? Can this woman rite? Does she know arithmetic?She weigh more than a duck exactly. She's thicker than a bowl of Oatmeal. I mean, I feel like they. I mean they have theCatholic Church that they were spouting some mild stuff and telling you about your futurejust by talking to you for a couple minutes. But they weren't giving youshoes with wheels in it, you know, and they weren't telling you about peoplein your past that are now dead. I would argue that's the the thesisof every religion. They're like he like they weren't. They're like readingsomething that was like written and then maybe like speaking a little something. ButTrees Kaputo is like this specific thing that only you would know and only youcan relate to you and only you know about. Hello, it's here,all right. Let's see a scene, emily. You are Terese Kapuda,the Long Island medium. I will be reprising my role as a Rasmus thisTorian Boyd today I am going to fetch some meat from the butcher for mymom to have her servant make so here's the he seen that. Oh,not to have a whole cow. Hello, you've come for a reading, haven'tyou come for a how my mom set me to get a cow.So write, but you're I am your grandma's we really really leading me toyou. What's your you know grandma. She's good, she's hungry. Shewants me to get the cow. No, no, but you're a grandma.Oh, she's dead. Yeah, and she's saying that you're feeling reallyguilty about that. What do you know? Have you talk to him and seehe has a heart attack, Ross killed his ground. Yeah, wait, Noah, instant, just as Motherfucker, Teresa Kapudo is the law? Allright, that's all right, Tala, you are a time traveler. Well, I'll let you set up the scene. I am still erasmos.I'm going to get some beef from the butcher to get to my mom.Hello, sir, it's me, rest miss from the house down the street, tent downing. Let's right on the prime minister son. Can I geta beef shoes? Sorry, she didn't you want to shee. Who theWHO the fuck are you? You're so small. What? Get off ofme, poor person. I'm trying to get beef. The shoes. Apowerful where the shoes Rall, try it on your fancy Sho Stranger, God, run too fast. Little does he know I love running. I'm tenyears older. That's the only thing I can do for entertainment. I puton the shoes and play with my hoop, play with my hope stick, orderaround poor people, to do my biden and run very fast. Rasmhas put on the shoes. There's the sound of a sure heally going on, and then the other Helly. I'm so excited about these news it feelslike I'm walking on a crowd. I feel like I cocka kiss a fuckingangel right now. I could. This is so nice. I love Whoawho. I lost me bearings. Oh Shit, it's going and slow motion. I can remember whole life. I remember I was one years old,almost at a Corra, when I was...

...three, almost at a Spanish fever. When I was four, almost died from dissentrgue, and then when Iwas five I got a pretty cool sweet cream present from me dad. WhenI was six, almost out a cora again, when I turned seven Igot to vote in Teresa. Oh my God. Yeah, I'd actually notlike to talk to you and I would love to talk to Evan. Y'All, I'M gonna put this one to a vote. It is Teresa Kpudo,the Long Island medium, versus Healey's. Which one is going to ruin oursweet baby boy, Erasmus? More you know where Emily sancy over Tala stands, but I'm curious to hear what Claire has to say. Oh my God, here actually, I know that my loyalty's I'm really alive with him.I get that, and I fucking Love Teresa Kapudo, but I'm trying tobe rational for once in my life. All right, once for once,this is it. This is the one time that I've ever got upset.I think that Erasmus is familiar with mediums and witches and some kind of somesome spiritual kind of stuff. I think he understands that level. He Lee's, on the other hand, are gonna I was never allowed to have heely'sbecause everyone told me that they were going to stunt my growth, everyone beingmy parents. I don't know what that mean work. I don't know inwhat way you're gonna have to rap that was the reason I didn't ever haveheely's. So whenever I tried to wear my cousin's heely's I would fall outver. So I think that Erasmus is going to take these sick hels. Hisgrowth is either going to be stunted or he's going to slide right on intothe river Thames, and that's a done deal for him and I think that'swhat's going to ruin him. And I think Theresa Pudo, well, that'sto him on the other side. Yeah, she'll talk to him on me.Think she's there to catch him when he fall em honorable fucking mention,though, thanks for bringing here. Came to me am also, do notbring her anywhere else, because I don't want to see another picture of TeresaKabudo in my life. I have no idea how many tabs I have openedup to of just terry, terry caps. I'm and that wasn't even for thepodcast. No, that's just for pleasure, y'all. I'm also goingto vote for Heeley's I think that the one two punch of the most comfortErasmus has ever felt in is short and probably soon to end life, combinedwith the ability to have no connection to the terrestrial earth every time he triesto stand up and lead back. Is Very powerful and very scary, anda pun intended does throw you off balance. So I am going to say thatHee's is moving on, y'all, we are going into our next matchupof the first round. It's me versus emily. Emily is trying to killa Rasmus, or at least ruin his day, with a trip to sixflags. I am trying to ruin our sweet baby boy arasmuths with the giftof a Furbye, Emily, why don't you tell us why? Erasmus isgoing to be right? Have some ideas, but why is six flags really gonnarock his shit? Wait, I just need a second in the processof Furbi this is I love this shit. I love that we are putting sixflags versus herb right now. We never been done in the history ofAmerica or and it's it's not, and this is not choose your fighter,sexiest first aid ideas this is is choose your fighter. What would kill aVictoria Child, which, honestly, based on everything I've seen so far,at synonymous? No, that's true. Six flags. Imagine it. We'veall been there. We've all been to something similar. Fuck, you lovesix flags. That's tall, taller. Just would you mind just describing thefeelings that you feel when you're at six flags? Oh my gosh, excitement. One they also stayed. Don't write it if you have a part conditionand my uncle that we wrote it. That's not a good idea, butanyway, a Badass dude, your uncle, Kate, I'm glad you brought thisup. This was a point of mine. I'm glad you brought thisup. Keep going, but it's terrifying. Your knees are weak, you're sweating, you're like, I mind die, MOM, spaghetti you want, butwere you not setting up? Hold on, are you not setting upfor the MDEM's lose yourself, or are you like these are the symptoms ofgoing the six flags? This is the going six flags. They're the same. Okay, your first Eminem fall there and the first time you ride goingdown that hill on night. Row At...

...six flags at Great Adventures in NewJersey. Right, and being too specific here, but God damn it,that row. I would argue to tea if you could just tap into likemore specificness here. What kind of smells are at six flags? Oh,lots of throw ups don't make asted five day old pizza Lizzie glops. Sowe're at six flags. Overwhelming experience already. Our little boy has no idea whereto turn everywhere to new experience. Do I want a funnel cake theirhand and Mount left and right now? I don't think I want one ofthose. Those look a little scary, but you know, it looks scariersthis ride that I just saw somebody die on. You know, many peopledie at six flags in a year? Hopefully not many. What average,for we still have six flags, it's true. For people die for yearand they're like yeah, dude, keep doing it. Brow their insurances forover a hundred billion and there's a lot of articles out about how they themselveshave said that that's not even enough. Well, Mogan, it was abee. Six flags has insurance for more than the GDP of most first worldcountries. HMM, okay, Pala said it already a little bit, butif you got a weak stomach or like a lot of like real bad healthissues, you don't want to go on these things. And we're in VictorianEngland. A lot of these ones got the Gout, a lot a lotof things are happening. But imagine having gout and going on a roller coaster. What would happen? You've imagine. Imagine your footballs off the the Gforce warning stands for Gout. That's fucking crazy. A six flag is veryscary. I think that Erasmus would have both the best and worst time ifhis life at the Shindy. But let me tell you about something that Ithink is guaranteed ruin our boy, and that is the s invention the furby. For those of you who don't know, I don't know how you don't,but a Furby is essentially Gremlin. Before you give it water. Afurby is a little furry egg that will talk to you and it will listento you and you have to take care of it, you have to feedit keep it alive. Is essentially a baby, but bad and not human. I think this furby is going to ruin erasmus because it is something thatwill speak back to him, that is not human and talks English. Afur of Furby is a little demon in in this boy's mind that is goingto ask for help and give no answers on how to Herbie is a quizmossub mascot come to life. Yes, it's a it's it's a D spawnmonkey. The furby is the spawn monkey. Like I'm pretty genuinely afraid of Furby'sand I've had a lot of time to realize what they are. Allright, y'all, I'm putting it up to a vote. It is betweenthe furby versus six flags. For what could kill our sweet baby boy,Erasmus, our ten year old Victorian Child? Six flags. It's got all ofthe things, all of the pizzazz of the Furby, but like timesten, there's so much going on at six flags at all times. Iagree, but I think that the furby represents concentrated terror. He probably doesn'thave insurance. Six flags has to. It's that chaotic. That's a wildargument, but I hear what you're saying and we're working together on this andI support you. I am curious to hear what Tala has to say.It's all a Furbi or six flags time to me. So I was.I was. I'm just kidding. I didn't think about this. It's sixflags, like you. You don't have to say anything else to me.You just said six flags and you have the like. I would die atits flags, let alone this kid. I'm probably gonna die when I'm likeseventy, riding like nitro for them the time. Um, I'm thinking aboutthat guy from the six flags commercials. I have nothing else to say.I think six flags is gonna win. All right, that's two votes forsix flags. You all. Six flags is moving on to our our nextround. It makes sense. I I'm pretty scared of the rides myself andI am a but a twenty one century boy. And I didn't even bringup the water park. Moving on to the next round. I need Claireand I need Tala. The Battle of the roommates. Which one of theseis going to kill a Victorian child first? Is it ball pits or furries?All right, bullpits. All right. Think about the exciting times as akid, and that was when bat...

...to go to a ball pit.It was anarchy. It was freedom. No parents in the ballpit. Ifthere was a parent in the ballpit, you're not in a ballpit. Sono parents. No, you're in you're in court. Yes, you're incourt. It's illegal. So only kids. There's chaos underneath the balls. Yougo one layer of both to dingles gone. I hate that. Phrase. Yeah, I don't say that one. That's not it. All we needto do to just throw them in a ball pit and he's like,what's happening? The color red, blue, foam. What's happening? He's gonnabe so lost. The color red, the color blue and foam. Yeah, I was about to say, wait, hold up, a ballpit doesn't have foam in it. There's phone pits and their ball pits.So the ball phone is the spit and spume of the chill. The foamis a ball. It's of the phone. The ball is made of foam.Oh so it's the kind that like when you're in gymnastics class, becauseactually your parents told you it was called boys extreme but is really men's gymnasticsclass, and you thought they were teaching you all the cool moves to likeride on skateboards and on rollerblades at x Games. Instead they're just teaching yougymnastics. The phone pit from that when you would jump on the rope andswing into it and fall really download because you're incredibly overweighting, you'd stick thebottom and then you start to like choke for air because the foam was justcoming into every angle and it's so drying and trying to crawl up and grabon a rope. Bey couldn't and you would like have small panic attack,your first interaction with anxiety your life in that moment, and you would haveto slowly crawl the top. You make it out and everyone would say hey, great job today. It boys extreme and then you go home knowing yourartly, we're just doing boys gymnastics and harassing. It's not coming. He'snot. A few of US do, Tala. Few of US do.I rest my kids. Hurries, furries. Okay, furries are you might thinkof them as sexual, but they're really just people. Who They are? They are just people, food, they aren't. They're just they're justpeople who want to dress up as animals because that's what they want and weshouldn't shame them. And and what do they want to do once they're dressedup as animals? Allah, that's up to them. Not always up tothem. That's up to them. Sometimes they just want to be buddies.It's Victorian boy, it's a Rassmus my great, great, great great grandfather. He he's she's a furry on the street. Hello, there, it'sa flaw, but keep coming. So the furies dressed is is an owl? Cheat? Yeah, I don't quite. Black owls. Hmmm, who shit, fuck your big quite big. That's honestly as far as I hadplanned. I thought that the shock would have killed you by now. Oh, oh my God, bye. But Ny hot, I don't think afury would kill a Victorian boy. He'd been to one too many Shakespeare plays. That's true. He's seen enough. Who Costume, but these are reallywell done and very, very well put together. Something they don't know aboutin Victorian Times? No, dude, what's hold on? I feel likethey have to be more imaginative in Victorian Times, to higher quality, forsure, than what we have imported from train right now. Okay, okay, okay, still, you proved only buy American made fur suits. Idon't think that our Victorian boy would be that scared of the fury, simplybecause I feel like his like imagination has to be a little heightened, sincethere's not all that much to do. So maybe he identifies a little bitmore with this furry than he thinks that he would, because he too imaginesbeing an owl. Yeah, I vote about you. Wish Wolves. No, that's good enough. A good point. I think. Yeah, almost playscome from that time period. Right. I think it's going to be theother up. You know those plays about a boy being a screw owl, you know the Guardians Go whool by Shakespeare? That definitely was like pagetwo hundred twenty six in my third grade language arts class. For sure.I will boy, I will boy. Was a story I read in thirdgrade. Thank you, Miss McDonald. Y'All, I'M gonna put this oneup to a vote. It is furdies versus ball pits. Which one isgoing to ruin our sweet baby boy or as MES? You know where Clairestancy know where tall stands. Actually, I vote for ball pits. WHOAClaire Switching sides? The ball pits off the bat. All right, itis two votes from ball pits, emily,...

...all pits. It doesn't even matterwhat I say, but I agree ball pits are gains ruined this boy, either through in unology or through the sheer fear of plastic and this cold, smooth, stainless object that somehow contains all the germs in the world.Y'All, it's the semi finals. First Matchup. What's gonna get our babyboy of Rasmus to the grave the fastest. It's Taki's versus Healy's, the battleof the boys, as me versus Allaitala. Why are he he's goingto get a Rasmus out of here. I feel like somebody who wears Heeley'sin two thousand and twenty probably also eats talkies. These facts absolutely they arewearing a cookie monster snapback and a Jack Skellington shirt right now. It's theirtime of the season. Their studded belt from Spencer's gifts is flapping in thewind as they rolled down the sidewalk of Philly. So our boy a Rasmouth. Rasmouth, hello. Yeah, he can be taking a stroll through town. Oh, I'm Feeley Acquired Hee he's, or I should say he's gonna bebumping all over town. How fuck how manies like concussion number three inone day? Tala? Yeah, God, no, of the former has patient. You've got to walk home. It is heally, okay, Jesus, fifteen miles and along the way he stops for some talkies. Could wecombine these two combat no, no, no, okay, because it's itwould be hee he's and talk he's mixed with a ball pit at six flexwell, the these go hand in hand in a way. They do.It's the same energy. Let's do it. Yeah, I could be persuaded ina choose your fighter first. In the spirit of togetherness, as weare coming into everyone's favorite holiday about togetherness, Halloween, we are going to combineboth of our final four candidates in each matchup into one fighter and immediatelymove to the finale. Either way, I think Tala's going to be abit of a winner, but it is the combination of heely's and Taki's tokill our sweet baby boy, erasmus versus the ball pit at six flags.Since Tala is a part of both of these matchups, I'm going to deferto him to pick which one to argue for first. Oh Man, no, both of these are killing him. It's the question for me is who'sWHO's? WHO's killing him first? Here's my question. Where's the six flags? It's the looney tunes lodge at six flags. You heard it here first. Which six flags? Southern California. Southern California, okay, and whatit's so with? The one in Jersey just feels more scary. That's notwhere the looneytun lodge is, and that's where the ball pit is, allright. So He's dying in southern California in a ball pit. That's happening, for sure. It's a hundred, twenty twogrees out. There's a wildfireraging outside. He's dying in that ball pit. Also, he's skating downon his heels through a cobblestone street in London choking on a tackie. He'salso dying. That might killing factor. I this ball pit is absolutely disgusting, so gross. Literally swimming through feces, which I know he has. Heruns the risk in his daily life of getting just buckets thrown on him. All of the same scary stuff that you still smell at six fives.All the things that we put together in the last bait that we had aboutthis still apply here in Looney Tun land, except, like the nickelodeons, slignfactor is upped by like forty percent. You're looking at a seen kid.A seen kid still has side banks, kind of a mullet type of thing, teal hair, their whole wardrobe. It's the hot topic. They're writingaround in Helly's, they're eating talk. He's okay, this is foreign,this is new, this is a kind of person that has ever beenseen in the world before, until this time, until right now. Youknow, it's my about Healey's talk he's. I been where you are. I'Mgonna give it to talkies and heely's for my vote. You all.And in a historic episode of choose your fighter, where once combatants became friendsand compatriots, we've decided that the combination...

...of Taki's and Healy's is the mostlikely to kill a Victorian child. Can we just say overwhelmed? Thank you. Yeah, at the end of it all it's just really going to overwhelmour sweet baby boy, Arasmus, who y'all. If I've learned anything fromthis episode of choose your fighter, it's a team work makes the dream work, and sometimes that dream is killing a Victorian child. My Name Is EvanAtkinson. Thank you for tuning in to choose your fighter. I'll see youall next week choose.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (15)