Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
Choose Your Fighter
Choose Your Fighter

Episode · 9 months ago

Episode 15: Premier Pirate Parrot Pals

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

If you were a pirate, would you rather have your parrot on this shoulder or thiiiis shoulder? The correct answer is neither, there are way better options than parrots. Listen to our intrepid team of piracy experts as we spit a lot of facts... and some less-than-facts.

Evan was also wearing a pirate costume the entire time, that's important. 

Choose your fighter welcome to choose your fighter tocommuny debate podcast, where four longtime friends get together to debateeverything from cereal mascots to what might kill a Victorian child. My nameis Evan Aginson. I am joined, as always by my lovely co hosts emily lamb, hey team. My fellow host- you don't even knowthis, but I try to pick Tala for my pick and Evan. Wouldn't let me so justkeep that the back of your head during the wile listening, I don't know so try to Toller, for you try to seewhat pick she chose that she thinks can replace you. No one! No one's replacing, I don'tknow stay tuned for her picks better, be totins tall, a salmon. I is really coldoutside, so I thought I'd bring some peters all right, I'm fucking winning!Today I've only won twice, but today I'm feeling good big words for a littleman and our special guest. As always, it's Claire Milburne. You guys, I justdon't think youall for clearing your schedule for me today. I'm so excited clar. We thank you for clearing yourschedule, your our gas. After all, it's Hey, listen! None of us are up to thatmuch. It is still an ongoing pandemic and we are stuck inside making audiofor our parents and our friends y'AAll we haven't, we haven't done an episodein a while, so excuse that for being rusty, but I've been thinking a lotabout pirates and specifically pira pals, Pirate Pales and parrots. I thinkparrets are kind of tired. Frankly, I think they're overrated, how manypirates actually had parrots take a second. Can you think of a real piratethat Oud of Parrot many real pirates? Do we know if dinosaurs didtor did nothave hair? We don't I huh hold on else. It feels like we do know who's to stope segasaurs from being purple. Hey, listen! These are all counterarguments,but it is very important that our listeners at home know that Evan isalso dressed as a pirate for today's episode. Yetathat wasn't that wasn'tsomething we were supposed to do about two minutes before we hopped on thezoom call. I realized I owned all of the elements to a pretty kickass piratecostume. You know throw it on get excited today we are going to bedebating what could be a better side kick or pirate power for a pirate thana parrot. Our first round get ready. I need emily and I need Tala. These arebetter. Pirate Pales Than Parrots, I'm gonna Wel on N that one emilyrepresenting spider pig, as played by John Milaney in two thousand and Eteen,enter the spider verse, that's spider to you. Spiderham excuse me Tola, representing Baby Yoda, Aka Grogufor those who have seen season two of the Mandalorian lhitl pirates. Do Ireally thought about this? Okay, I'm like Hirites, teyd, Hont booty pauseall right hold on tea hunting, booty right, both the FIGURATU I'. Sorry,it's hard to hear you say it even twice like it's just it's kind of roughthey're looking for treasure and they're looking for gold and they gotto go digging for it. You Want Baby Yoda does and mother fucker can just dothis, not making a poffor. The AL was grabbing a invisible breast. He doesthe thing and then suddenly he can just like work something o to him and so,therefore, that pirate would be very successful, getting all the money andalso you need to be a Badas in Babe. You know at Rogu, fucking certifiedBattons Spiderham literally defeated the dream. Gobbler the Po, you defeated,the Green Gobbler Peter porker defeated the Green Gobbler notonly that it'sJohn Malady as Fider Ham. Okay, you...

...know what this means he's. Putting outhotlines left and right see when I think about a parrot. It kind of islike the parallel of like the good and the bad, the angel and the devilsitting on your sitting on your shoulders, and I was thinking if I hadto be one character to voice both of those internal thought process. WHOWOULD I want to host Bost of to host both of those into teese and it wouldbe John Alady and who's better than Peter Porker, acute little spider hamsitting on your shourder talking like John Milany, knowing that he has badassmoves but di, we have the force. Doesn't matter he's Peter Porker, you aspider, no two different things, apples and Orangeis. Here it's more like one's an apple and oneslike an all OMNIPO. In being last time, I checked baby Yoda wasn't createdbecause he was going to be an atomic hardriver. Now was he peter porker was? I can't argue that, but maybe Yoda he'sgot the FORCS. He can do shit, we're talking not about just the person whichhalking about the side kid to this pirate right. His job is to make thepirate look good, be good, reitch control, the crew. I don't know whatelse pirates do: Badas Shit, Tella ship. I feel like baby Yoda all that chip Wutis mind all right. You ever seen baby ODA, ind water. I don't think I havebut nipples. You know you know when they put Madio in the swim trunks andthey gave Mardio nipples and everyone was like Whoa. We Didn Know Mario hadnipples. Do you think if, like Babyoda and and Pedro pacal have a beach day,you think baby Yodas, Goten Nafles, you think Adolt Nat Yoda has nopl OkayClara? How are you voting baby, Yoda or Spiderham John mlady o? What's Haparrot really for what does the Piro really need to pay it for HM LD? Ithink this is something that I want you to forget when it comes to my argument,but I'm going to use it now. Currently, I think that a parent means nothing andit is. It is nothing it is there just to help the pirates survive long daysat sea and to have fun with his friendly little talking bird pal, okay,he does nothing and I think we can consider that a parent to do more forthe pirate than it does currently, but it doesn't do a lot currently. Grogudoes a lot physically, but isn't a lot of fun and then I think that Spiderham doesn'tdo much but its a lot of fun. I love that, but I would like to say thatspider ham does do stuff. He was a killer, he does do things, I'm stillaccepting your vote. Thank you. That's one vote for Peter porker. PIRATEPARROT PAL a Grogu would make a great emotionalsupport. SCIENTIC inlovable and hes you and everything you want and it doesn'tcare about that. He doesn't like pets, Peter Porker, pirate parrot, Po versusGrogu, the Green Grog Gobbler, I hate to say our catchrase, but this one istough just because I feel like they both feel a similar role in the seriesthat they come from. They're both comic relief in a lot of scenes. I will sayevery time Peter Porker, spider pig showed up. I was like very excitedabout what was going on. I thought he's very funny, thought he's very effective.I think baby ot is cute. However, he annoys the hell out of me he's alwaysgetting into hit. You know! No, I don't want like I love, I love thathe's powerful with the force and I think he's super cute and I would buyup all the plsh toys of Hem, but I think when it comes down to it, someonewho can swing between masts of pirate ships with webbing is going to be verypowerful into combat scenario. Also pretty funny. I'M gonna have to give itup to Peter porker. That is three votes...

...for John Millaney, as SpiderhanSpiderham is moving onto the next round. It's the battle of the regular animals.It is a crow represented by Claire versus a big raccoon, represented by me.Wo Clair's been talking a lot of shit about parrots, but she wants to bring acrow Claire Talk to us about why a crow is going to be good. Okay, when I firsthad this prop, I was thinking about what's better than a parrot, and I waslike a lot. A lot is better than a parrent parent sucks parent talks, toomuch only eat doesn't really do more than that. That's all we got it eatsthan it talks. I want more and they stack Wie for fifty years, mosme aburden when you really think about it. So I I think that I was like okay,what's better than a parent and it's a crow, it's for sure crow. Let's, let'stalk about some crow facts: okay, ll, a crow, never forgets a thing, it's Don,Multiple Studies on crows and they do not forget a human faith so that, if ahuman does something bad to another crow, what man does something bad toone crow: that one crow will teach all the other crows about how to recognizethat human faith so that they will avoid it and or attack it in the future.Additionally, when a crow dies, the rest of the crows around it will have afuneral for that crow so that they can learn how the crow died and if it waskilled by anything, they will learn that from the funeral and then theywill go and attack its killer as a mob. So, like it's insane also crows arereally like once they do find someone that they like, like they like you asyour as their pirate pow, then they like kind of like imprint on you. Ifyou remember the twilight series, so they like they'll stay yo they'll,protect you forever if they, if like they, find something reallyshiny and cool in the street, they'll pick it up and they'l bring it to new.Also crows have been considered by scientist. The feathered Aks soproportionally, crows have larger brains than most humans. Do whatthesesare powerful killers, they're incredibly intelligent, and they willprotect you. So when you in the future, I thinking about what's Te parent doing.For me, nothing is doing nothing. What can I do better? I can get a crowpretty sure. That's part of the reason why Alfred Hitchcock wrote the moviethe birds, I mean Holy Shit, that's wild one! One quick thing! Iwanted to point out and this isn't going to help me. I don't think thatmuch, but crows are big as help co crows holdon crow size to parrot size. Google is trying to tell me to search for crowsized birds, which is funny because I'm sure it'll come up with crow. Here we go bird species size chart Jist,going to peruse this. My thought about Parrots Specificall is Tis about crows.Is that if there is any bird out other than a parrot loose in a room, it is anemergency like if I wan, if I were to walk in the tall and clairs living room-and there is a parrot there, like Tallen Claire, got a parrot, that'scool. If there's any it literally any other bird that is not in a cage. Indis not a parrot. I'm calling the police I'm calling something: a Crow and aparrot ore, the exact same size, Ahwhat, a large crow and a large parrot areboth five hundred and thirty grahms which- and I have no concept for thatother than it's. Five hundred and...

Thirty Paper Clips Crows are really bigand their brains are big for their bodies. They cont have a serebralportext, so they shouldn't necessarily be able to like have a lot of like theyshould have like a consciousness or anything, but they do have likesomething beyond what we know about like evolution. They like makescientist question Whel. They know about the brain, guys o ant, to talk toyou about a big raccoon, Oh yeah, so I'm gonna. I hope I hope you eatcrow with this one. It's a saying that not many people use with maybe there's a reason big raccoons aresneaky. I think, when I think of the objective of a pirate to quote TalaSearch for booty. I think that a raccoon is uniquely adapted to searching for booty.I think they are sneaky. I think they are able to swim decently. I think if apirate first of all they're adorable, you get a raccoon as a baby. You have afriend for life you're hanging out with that little trash, bandit you'rerolling around you're having fun you take that little guy throw hem onto theenemy ship he's coming back with Pearl necklaces. They don't know, what'shappened, think of a non invasive. Piracy Tactic, no one's done thisbefore usually there's a lot of Brah Bravada with piracy. There's a lot ofcannons. There's a lot of rum. This raccoon is going in silent. He's goingin at night, he's perfect shape to fit into a cannon. You shoot this raccoonout of the cannon onto the enemy ship, he's grabbing pearls he's putting themon. He looks great he's even more adorable he's coming back swimming onlydonkey paddle the cutest stroke, climbd back up does a little little chitter inyour ear and you're like my buddyes back and he's rich and I'm rich allright, you put him back in his little chair because he looks really cutesitting in a chair. I want you to think about a raccoon with the Pearl Necklacesitting in a chair on a boat. It's Great Croser Vindictive Crows are smart.raccoons are like Kindof all right on the intelligence scale, their memory istrash, but what they do now, love and loyalty, thievery and looking goodwhile they do it, and I think that my little raccoon body is going to get thejob done, you're nervous about putting this raccoon in a cannon. I get it.That's where the explosives go. Think about this. They have a tale. That'sperfect! For Hurling. Have you seen the hammer throw in the Olympics? You graba raccoon by the tail spin. It really fast. I get that fucker, like threehundred yards down range easy. What about this raccoon hiny raccoon sizedlifeboat? It's got oars that fit in the raccoons PAS. It can row over itselfbecause raccoons are like a lot of animals have thumbs. Hey all is Evan from the editing boothwith a quick correction. raccoons don't have a posable thumps. I just kind ofswept up at the moment and just started saying stuff. I D like to apologize,because this podcast is really got the facts at the end of the day. So onceagain, apologies for my hair and judgment and back to me with more aboutraccoons. It's in there, the raccoon guess whatsharp Te Sarp claws. It digs a hole in the boat. It's in through the Keel. Notonly is it sinking the ship very slowly, it's also grabbing all of the money andhe puts it in its little cheeks. Like a squirrel and it's back on your boat,you cannot imagine the joyy of having a raccoon that trusts you I go to centralpark, not infrequently and I've seen a...

...raccoon most times. I go there and Iknow they're going to hurt me very bad if I try to pet them, but I still getreally close. I get so close. You can't pet a parrot, but damn a raccoon softokay IAD two points. One is that I literally didn't hear anything. We saidbecause the whole time I wish I was literally crying Owit, like I shad atear about thinking about raccoons Har, it's little tiny. You want to know moreabout raccoon hands they're, the only mammal of it size that can climb downtrees head first and it's because they twist their backpaws backwards. Well,okay, that that fucks it up for me Shit's, not cute, cut it out my second, how do you? How do you keepyour backoodoorse? You know what I mean. I bet it's not going to jump off theboat, though isn't not. The point is that Wat e has wings. This is a pariotyeah, okay, so then it's non the issue, but ere no we're talking about raccoonshere, but yeah, but raccoons are fiersely, loyal, okay, you're ly loyal there just bit facts that you about howcrows? Never Forget, I guess raccoons are cute. I spit facts too. You you NE.Do you ever play? Psto sly Cooper, Oh interesting, the game about a thiefraccoon. All Right! I listen. I just want to have a quick exercise foreveryone, all right, just a quick one. I went sa to describe a pirate to me.What are some things you think of when you think of a pirate Bgemani like fiveeight at least Brown hair beard probably has an earingfemale rimy. Do you really think that do youreally think that Bonnie Kay it's honestly sexist o you to think thatwomen can't be pirates? I think it's Lexisivy to bring it up. Keep going,keep going, wor more pirate words. Let's go. Let's go AEAD, see blackyeaird, you wan't, download a car treasure lap, alcoholic atty issues,interesting Chipahoy, yeah, Sheas, afraid of the dark and deficiency it Mans, yeah, okay! So that's! None of these were what Iwanted from you guys. But my main point here was hook a hook. We're thinking ofa pirates lie captain Huck, okay, it US Ahira when you think of a lot ofpirates, they have hooks for some reason. Am I wrong? No, I'm sorry! Youare wrong. No Vikings had horns on their helmets and no pirates hadhookcans captain Huk having Hook and there they're two species in the entireworld that can make tools to use for their own survival. raccoons. One ofthem is one of them is homosapians humans. The otheris Cros Cross can makehooks to use as tools to get little insects out of holes, but there areonly two animals in the world that can make tools and they are hooks andTheyre Humans and crows, and that means that crows are better at being pirates.Then rackings. The main question is kin of raccoon: make the hook. Cana raccoonhave one hand, in the other hand, Beahoo Tola. Can you tell me what slyCooper's tool is the mother fucking book? It's Amother fucking Hook. He hasa Hoak, it's a golden book and he uses it to Pry, open doors and beat peopleons, Ait n, yes, the most famous fictional raccoon is famous for onlyusing a look. It's Begtoal, hey you tell me all ofthis has been real up until now. Ya. I'm going to put this one to a vote. Wehave a crow versus a big raccoon. You know where I standing thor, whereclairstands some of us more factual than others, but I want to kick it over to M so really Ha. What'sgoing down in my brain things that I...

...know about pirates when I think ofpirates, what kind of visual you know comes across my brain and I'm thinkingthey're kind of sleezy, they're kind of scary, it's a bad omen to see a pirateright. It's not something you want to come across and your daily. No, it'sdefinitely not. If I'm watching a trator Jose, I see a pirate yeah my dayis a little different, so likea kind of animal. Do I think about that? Well,first, I think black, pat and after that I think about Big Nasty Crows.Don't think about raccoons, I think about Big Nasty Crows Tuckman, likepart of them, remembering my face and I're going to come for me. That's way,scarier than o raccoon bringing me gold not about that I'm voting for the CrowsTaller. What do you think about? I'm very split, because I think playerabout some compelling arguments and am made a good point crows ar fuckingscary and they usually signalled death, but I think guys, I think, we'rethinking a lot about ravens right now, and I just want to Ma to this ravensyour ight. Now I think there's anonymous no hold on Io, not sayingthat the same bird I'm saying they have the same connotation at indeed firssure the Maa scare, a crow away with a scarecrow think about that. There's alot of parts of a pirate ship that look an awful lot like a scarecrow, the Mans,that's the biggest part of a pirate ship yeah, but rackoons can only swim for like threemiles before they have to get out of the Water Wat. Your Green bils is isambitious. Well, no pirates are usually pretty close toland trade routes. Once you get to the Americas, black beer was sunk off of Charleston. So e. no, that's not true,as I was saying, I'm very split with Tyou, because sly cooper, the bandit,holds his face special place in my heart and raccoons they're fucking allright. I've never seen a crow thrive in a city like I've, seen rachoons thrive,hes notherfuckeris. Now how to steel shit from every garbage pan in the cityand they've got like they yeah tethey're doing well. So my point is:I'm very split and I've opened up a coin slipper on Google, because I don'tknow I to Ploan, I'm flipping the coin heads it's going to the crow and tailit's going to the Raccoo, so Thomas coinflip has made it a tie in the mostanticlimatic of tyebreakers. It's still an even bigger tie. Who Do we want tocall who we think knows a lot about pirates. We've had a tie to break thattie as emily's Stepfather Richie, who reportedly knows a lot about piratesand this here with the verdict m. What did Richie say? He was gingerly readinghis book, Catis glasses on its nose. I said Richie we have a tie breaker onthe podcast, which would you prefer? Is your pirate friend a raccoon or a crow.He took his at. He took his glasses more down the ridge of his nose and hesaid a raccoon and I said for any reason- and he said theyr thievery Butbuyol raccoons are moving on to thenext round. It's tragic because there's already a part of a ship called thecrows nest or next matchup y'all. It's a battle oftiny tensil town heroes, its real life, Jack Sparrow, the size of a parrot andtiny Tuchi Stanley Tuchu sits on your shoulder: Emily Lamb, representing reallife, teeny, tiny Jack Sparrow, Claire Milburne, representing tiny Toch yeah.So you mentioned that he was like the size of the parrot, and this is myfault I did specify before...

I like to think he's like like stortlittle sized. Oh no yeah he's like sore little size doesn'tserve any purpose, other of just being a parent with anotheor a pirate withanother pirate, like Owen Wilson, ind nightive museum as a little cowboy who,like can't really do anything it', Ju'st going to be like that kind ofvibe. But you know what those little teeny tiny cowboys do make me veryhappy in that movie and I think, having a pirate with another pirate,especially a teeny, tiny Jack Sparrow who's like notoriously getting intosome thievery getg into some weird stuff up in there. He'd always befeeding new advice, migh not be best Efice, but it's vice. I like I like theidea of a double pirate. What's the best Sidcic for a pirate, the secondpirate all right, three, two one: What do you think Stanley Tuci's best rolewas because itwby far okay, two Jua juia hunger games, Julian Julia Ye e Toesa Wete, the teacher Eza, that's a good one. My point wassily Tuchi. Is that Aur prompt for this episode? Was Your Pirate Side Kap? Ithink that Stanley Tuche serves as a sidecake in every role that he has everplayed, there's only to she's, never lost no there's noine particularly perfect about him. Okay, so Clar, I'mglad we brought civilar energy for these two characters. It's just becauseit's funny, so you know: Hey pats fun with this one boys do your best taller.What O you? What are you thinking is it? Are you? Are you touching? The toch areyou I mean of Feling Jack Sparraw. I, likewo men to have hair on their heads. You K who have a lot of that Jack Sparrow.We'll say I grew up watching the part of the Caribbean, everything you wantin sombody Avro they not the most responsible, but that's fine. I happenfor that. HAP Ye can do all the captaining there to have a blast andfun time. I'm partial to Jackspores Win Ting. Okay. I think Clair broughtup something interesting,the toches roll in a lot of films. If they were to create an Oscar forultimate supporting actor, it would be Stanley Tochi. He is 't. I, as far as Iunderstand you want the Academy Award for best supporting actor like what mydo you want es. He is the most supportive actor y'll. I'm going to putthis one to a vote. It is emily representing real life, tiny Jack, Paroversus Claire, representing Tena, tiny, tiny Toci. You know where M stands. You know whereClair stands. I'm honest, I'm going to vote first. Ithink I've made my position clear. I am I am all in on the TUCI train. I lovethis man. Tucci Gang for wife, very excited about supporting JohnKrizensky's brother Inlaw Stanley Tuchi. I was very firmly in the Campa JackGrow, as I husly am, but ro just just go: Toch. Okay, forgive you iknowin! MyHeart! You really want to Jack Sparrow Team Tuchi is moving on to the nextround. It is our last matchup of the first round. It's me versus TallerTaller, representing some wise gung from the Lord of the Rings Franchise. Iam representing the Mascot for the lemonhead brand, based on your facialexpressions, eclar and emily that you have no idea who Sam Li am. I'm Ga geta picture, don't even worry about it. I do Claire might have met this person as oheads up. It's John Aston Ti just be love. Sean Aston, SeanAssten in this movie, Lord of the Rings, plays his character. San Wies GAMG whouhelp temad idiot character named of...

...photo vaguns o whatever, and helps himtraverse over seven under different land masses and deliver a ring into avolcano, the best assistant. Anyone could ever ask for Brodo, even shits, all over him andhew's like fuck you. I got a mission to help and I'm going to hopeyou whetheryou want my hope or not. This man is the hero. Yes, Talar in support of you.Yes, phrotowagans fucking sucks on every level as a character. Sam is theonly one who makes any positive plot movement in this franchise. Sam Kills.All the enemies is nice is funny, has a girlfriend the whole time because hefucks pirates theready got a lot of little dudes on that ship. It's likeseventeen. Fifty six, you know people are short. People are only eating hardtach, which is the pirate equivalent of lambus bread. Don't get me into theTokeene Universe, youwill find a deep pit that you can't get out of what theydon't have enough of that it's vitamin C you know ewhat's the leading cause of death forpirates. Besides pirate fighting Scrfy, it takes like one drop of lemon juiceper per. It's so easy to cure scarvit, and you want to know who has wo fuck. Ihate looking at this. You want to know who has a lot of lemon juice on themcheck out the screen. I'm sharing with you. No that's fucking terrifying! It's theLEMONHEAD, Mascot team, T's! It's my friend, LEMONHEAD! Look at him! Emily! Can you describe the lemon headMaskoff for me right, quick, it's worse than what you're imagining Yep, it's abig lemon had literally a limon with hair, on top of it, the biggest blueeyes that you've ever seen in your entire life, oddlyoddly proportionalnostrils in a big, open, wallaceand, Grami or closed wallaceand gramendsmile. But let's not forget that the Limon does have ears. The lemon doeshave ears because so he can hear your secrets and then and then it's just aregular human body, yeah the Levon head mask, got rebrandedat about wo thousand and fourteen and they. Similarly, the cucky cheeses werelike. Let's make this hot for Genz, let's make him skinny, let's make him atwenty something he kind of looks like I s like Uy that lives near you, butyou don't really know what he does. He says he's a social media consultant,but what is that? Also? His head is a big lemon one, replace your jolly RogerFlag with a big glossy J peg of this motherfucker to he's going to cure allof your scurfy immediately. He juice is one of those one of those ears. Sqeet,you got a little lemon juice in there. You Cot that in your Gob you're good togo okar me is characterized by swollen bleeding glgums and the opening ofpreviously healed wounds. This is truky for me because one I love Sean AstonShonasin is one of the best epecte Heman Bein. Yes, that has ever come toWinchester Virginia for Alpablassa White Hesom wice, because both of hisdaughters were a PL bossom queen. I also want to say he was wol. He has twodaughters, of course, he's come twice additionally. Now that I'm a sucker foranything having to do with nutrition and vitamins and Scirby is a big deal.Howhow big is this Limon head Masku, I would say: He's six feet tall same withSam, okay, Sean Sean Assen, I okay, everyone guess how 's Tall Sohn Assonis: I'm guessing he's shorter than Stanley Tuji shorter than StanleyTaller than Toch a podcaster than a podcast where you have to get tosomeone wis, bigger or smaller than...

Stanley Tuche, I'm saying smaller, I'msaying taller, but only by an anhatmost cloor you've met you've,seen them in the flesh. I'm GOINNA GO O five. Seven okay, Clair says five.Seven Tala says five. Eight five nine and I said five nine at Matat most heis five, seven, exactly real quick! I Love Sam Evan. You know the Real BoyLove Sam Evan, the guy on the podcast Ho wants to win realize this is anwhyis GAM, she's, fucking, terrified of change, water and travel. He is soscared in the first movie. He walked into a Cornfield like fifteen fuckingfeet from his house, and he's like this is the furthest I've ever been from theShire Miter Frodo garbage you put that boy on a boat. He doesn't know what'shappening yet that mother fucker walks first into mor or by himself and said:Let's go to this fucking volcano, it don't matter, it's no thing and won tehead. Mascot is the Zodiac killer for all. I know, okay, this guy's afraidnothing is being a quarterlife crisis and probably need to see a therapistbecause he's depressed and has anxiety. So is every twenty five year old. Whatare you talking about? Okay, Y'll, I'm putting this one to a vote. It is Sam,wise, Gamg, Sam from lorthe rings versus the Lemon head Mascot from thetwo thousand and fourteen misguided rebrand of the lemonheads company M.Curiously hear what you Havt to say. I, like the idea of the Elemin head beingable to cure scurvy a thing that plugged them so much. I do think that'sa good asset in a little in a little friend, see, I'm being afraid ofwater's kind of a deal breaker. For me also. I like the idea of the lemonheadbeing able to like provide a little bit of like Sun in for the pirates likethey can get a little bit of blond streaks going in because they justsqueeze a little bit of limit juice on their hair, and then it's just a littleblonder. I like that idea, so I think I'm GOINGTA have to go with the lunats.I'm sorry Tala, I gotta take it back to this is a parrot we're replacing aparrot for a pirate okay. I want the pirates, have a friend as good asShanaston. This isn't. The real shotasit yourself, Chanaan I belistening to us, is gn about you, Bro. I want you as your character in theLord of the rings from what I know so far: You're you're you're, an earthboy you like the earth.I love the Shiere Yu Nota Steboy, O it'sscary, for me out there bring youover here and put you want Ta Pire it shoulder and make you enjoy the seabecause you never will you just want to live under the ground and enjoyyourself down Terno he's really not suited for the sea he suited forWinchester Virgigia, I'm goting for Lemon head. So I t who votes for theScurby scally WAG. It is lemon head against honestly all odds movingforward. It is, I think that, like it's? U It's! What is equivalent to a parent,an in SOM Limon, head Jon Shot Absen does not deserve to be put on the samelevel as apparent I'm excited because it's going to be a battle of thingsthat are roughly the size of a toaster. If we're playing by twenty questionrules, it's emily, representing Spiderham as play by John Millane inthe thousand and eighteen film enterd, the spider, verse verses merepresenting a Raccoon Spider Ham, as you mentioned before.The pure reason why you voted for Spiderham was because he was able tosling shot his way in between mast. He is, after all, a killer and he's he'sMinererman like he is Spiderman as a pick. You know at the end of the day,he's just a good pig who's going to be sharing you good good thoughts sittingon your good good shoulder snoring up. Probably he probably is pretty bigsnorer and you know I think you to keep you goodcompany and it's John Milaney. So that's important. Let's sit okay,raccoons rule! Think about this. I...

Clapp twice a raccoon scurries down amast because it can go head down down the entire mast. As Emily has told us,it's the only mammal to be able to do so. It crawls down it's right at myfeet or hanging out. I give it to head scratches, guess what grab the TailSpinnin around like a laso chuck it it's on the move, it's doing its job.raccoons are the only animals that have jobs, hey y'all. This is Evan from the futureagain just want to chime in with another quick correction: raccoonsdon't have jobs after some research turns out. Almost no animals have jobskind of bees, a little bit ants, but mostly just people like I said before we like to stick tothe facts here so once again: apologies. They all go to work every day at eight,am they all clock out and they all have wives, yeah, Evan Heris in Outr, correction,raccoons, don't have wives, I don't even I don't even know wher. I heardthat from honestly I just go o gle en there zero results. So apologies again,you know we try to be factual here. raccoons are humans, but furry andsmall. This this one actually is true, turnsout so tapologies for the interruption back to the show and they have built inmasks who surviving coronavirus. The rat codes. They're incredible, doesn'tmatter that the masks just cover the eyes and our fake, because they'resmarter than that, okay raccoons ar the only big animal to survive in New YorkCity after humans, Hav been fucking it up for forever. There's no biggeranimal in New York City than a raccoon, except for some rats on rare occasions.RACCOONS are powerful, they're witty; they are willing to do whatever ittakes. They're fucking, adorable, they're loyal. They have ipposablefhumbs they're good cuddle, with how many pillows have you seen on apirateship, none, how many pillows are in a raccoon one, you smush that thingup. You put your head on it. It falls aleep. You Fall Asleep. You sleep onthe raccoon, underhet good night, baby you're dreamed about whatever you wantto, but I know what you are dreaming about. It's a raccoon under your head.You love it. Your friends, you've probably named it something cute. Bynow, you've grown together, you've grown older together, a RAC who livesto be a hundred and eight years old. You guys are friends. Now it's going tooutlive you it's going to take over the pirate ship. What's that the skull andcrossbones and your F on your flaht just kidding it's a picture of raccoonthey're, already black and white, you don't even have to change the colorscheme because they're ready to roll with it the raccoons the captain. Nowit gets a cute little hat it's on top of things. It's underneath things it'sswimming in the water and it's having a fun time. Can you imagine anothersidekick that is going to take over for you hend? You die other than a raccoon.I don't think so. Am I filibustering? Maybe I'm I goingto have to Eddit thislater. Yes, a captain always goes down with his ship. If a raccoon's there totake over the ship, the captain never really went down with the ship goesagainst Pirate Code. Let's vote of spider hand. Thank you. That's onevotevor Spiderham Tala. What are you thinking Wel? I love sly hooper and it always comes down to like pooper.For me I am Goingto have to vote wher. The RECO y'all is a tie betweenSpiderham, as played by John Milainey, in enter the spider verse and just araccoon as the best sidekick for a pirate, a privatier pirate POW brand based on what you know Swiderhamand what you know of Raccoons, who do...

...you think, would be a better power fora pirate. Okay, then, a parot better than a Pairot, a better power for apirate than a Parot say three times best, better POW than Pi. I've set itso many times. So what? What are our crate Aria for a good pell? That's myquestion: What are your criteria just better than a parrot better than aparrot so far, if your friend is better than a paront they're? Actually a goodyeah about that look, I got to say we were talking about this a little bitearlier and if you're going to be on a ship, your privatiere you're out there, you can't have something that can fallinto the water and a raccoon. It's going to go, be a trash panda and apiece of shit anywhere. It's going to fall in the water. It's going to sink,but Spider Ham. He can float, can smell pie and he just there is- and I got totell you- I don't Kon lose my pous. That is, thata vote for Spider Ham, Yeah Rad, Shielbrad hows he voting forSpider Ham. Spiderham is moving on to our FINAE TEN OT ten brad. Thank you somuch, but don't get too comfortable because up next, it's a battle, no one wanted, buteverybody asked for it's tiny, Tuchi versus Wemen Han. I mean, I think. The main thing for meis that if I'm going to have a side kick if I'm gonna have a parrot howreplaceen, then I would like someone consistent and friend and thiy. Look atand Ekstanley Chuchi represents the Agal on Mytional Day when the devilwears PROA. You need an angel on your shoulder. Clare has given a greatargument for Sanley Tuchi. I want to talk to you once again. If you were aloved one has been affected by scurvy. Please call a lemon head hot line.Y'All. It's tough out there, you're at sea for most of the time you're apirate you're, Scallywag Oddsare, you or your friends- have been affected bythis horrible gumrotting disease known as scarvy, and it just takes a drop of lemon juice to feed one of these starving pirates. I LoveStanley Tootchi with all my heart. Really I do. I loved every roll I'veseen him in which is probably like four films and two of those are transformersmovies. Honestly, I made a big stink about scervy, but I have to flip. Ihave to flip through the Toch honestly, the more I talk about it. I love this.I love Tuci Man. I love him so much the idea of a teeny Taty Toch, touching myshoulder incredible itake tense black beard baldhead. I'm voting for Tuchi, that's two votes for Toc M Tala. What are yourthoughts? I don't like the Lominhead, that's three votes for the Twoch, I'mgoing to keep voting for the limonhead the tuch moves on. We have rached thefinale of our episode to choose your fighter. These are our penaltimateparrot replacement pirate PAS. It is spiderham versus Teeny, tiny toach. Toreiterate the theme that we've had throughout this, in the reason thatspider him keeps getting pushed to the next round. SPIDERHAM is useful. He hasyou know assets. I every day he's not using them, he's just hanging aroundhe's not doing much, but if she ever hits the fan, he's capable he'ssticking to everything he wants to stick to and he yeah. So when it comes to just likereplacing a parrot most day, Heis, probably just like a parrot he'ssitting there telling you good good jokes, not doing anything to too weirdhe's just part of crew totch to cu just sitting there and being the Toch, thecharming chiving Tooch, but he doesn't really have any like skills he couldbring, especially being that tiny Spiderham is just naturally that small.So it makes him automatically cute what happens if the Tuch gets wet? We don'tknow. Does he melt? Harts are prideful...

...beings that really want to just likekind of do their own thing, and I that they just want a friend they want toconfidant, and I think that the one one person on this planet that would do itbetter than a parrot his family, tooke. So you're saying you just think thatStaley Toje's emotional intelligence is better than that of Spiderham. Yes say that sentence out loud and believe, Yourselfno and also one of myfavorite things about Samley Tuchis once again, just how incredibly heaverage he is. I googled famly to keep fun facts and it's just like he was on the hunger games, good sidecake he's, not he's not looking for the fame and the in the idum Y'll. I'mputting this one up to a vote. It is between Spiderham and Teeny, tinyStanley Tucci, as the Premier Parrot Pael for pirate. You know where ClaireStans, you know where M stands but Tala. What do you have to say I'll? Give myboth to Tuchi Stanley Tuchi is a tent pole of American cinema Americanfatherhood and American Brotherhood Stanley Tuchei is our ultimate pirate parrot POW Y'll. If I wananything from this episode of choose your fighter, it's that you can try ashard as you can address like a pirate, but in the end a podcast is just anaudio, medium and you're going to end up disappointed. My name is Evan AK Ansaid. Thank you for listening to choose your fighter. Will catch you all nexttime s.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (15)