Choose Your Fighter
Choose Your Fighter

Episode 11 · 1 year ago

Episode 11: Arbitrary Alien Ambassador


It's like "Arrival", but much less though out. Aliens have just landed on Earth and we have to pick someone to represent all of humanity and make the first contact. Understandably we are the people that the UN called to make this decision.

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Let's go through facts. Okay fact:number two: There are more fast Andand ferious movies than relationships. I'vehad I have more fingers than Tony Hawk hasreal teeth. The first time I tied my shoes by myself was in third grade thefirst time I tohe. My shoes by myself was in fourth grade sure, welcome to choose your fighter. It's acomedy to Bake Potgass for four long term, friends, long term, that's Wer,arwe're long, tem, I've never planed for the future, with he all ifwer beinghonest, I think wewere more long time, the long term t get together to debateeverything from Supreme Court justices to best wrappers dead are alive, yetwe're doing a serious one. This time just getting this week, we are talkingabout our pick for an alien ambassador for the human race. Should they show uptwenty twenty is already crazy enough. This is the next thing that will happen.My Name Is Evan Atkinson. I am joined as always by my lovely cohost, EmilyLamp, Hey all thinks for joing this week. I just wanted to Geve a littleupdate and say that my childhood chucky cheese that shares a parking lot withArbes is officially closed down. No, you just hold like maybe five secondsof. U. You know a moment of silence. That would be great at the en of thisfodcast ten to N, when five seconds at the end of the pagess I was ready, Iwas ready to pay my respect. Yeah, O thousand and twenty e Ecanaour respectit's 'cause far resprect everybody. I need five seconds of underupted silencefor the chucky cheese by EM's house. Three, two one also joined by TalisAman, oh ow. It's me all right and our special guest Yall. She is live in thestudio with tall as the first time any of us have ever recorded from the samelocation. So if the energy is whack, you know why you know here. You love her ClaireMilburne, guys. I'm really excited to be here from the sige bottom studio in America like Nie, at the top of theepisode we are picking our ambassador should aliens show up because twent, atwenty is going that direction. These are famous. People are well known,people that we think would do a good job representing humanity. If anotherspecies came the town, so we're going to get right into it. Our first round,it's emily versus Claire and we're doing something a little different, I'mnot introducing them, I'm going to let our hosts introduce their own fighters,so I'm going to need emily. Please introduce your first fighter Yeh, sothis one Ni' not sure if this one's following the roles completely. Ididn't let even know about this before we started today, but I picked DrewBarrymore as a child. As the six year old met. She has prior knowledge toaliens. She knows how to communicate with them.Tough, a SPAGHETTIOS can and she's already got an ind she's already homehe's with his faliens e loves. Her and America loves her too, so I'm reallygoing for that on drew verry more as a six year old. I really jumped the gun nthat one and just automatically went into my fight, but I just reallycouldn't Holl back no you'R you're coming out swinging Claire, who are you putting up againstdrewberrymore? I you know him as a man who has performed as the liason between humans and all of our aliens andmonsters and ghosts in the world Jesus in close enough, some famous movies- youmight know you might have heard of before- perhaps big, perhaps the toystories, one two three four fors coppies fores Gubwclair, but I mean y.u you pitch Tom Hanks is someone who communicates with the Spirit Realm andaliens and monsters, I'm just carious. What in I was agoing to say, Tody HawkTom Hangs's career has led you to thin this. I I don't think there's a moviewith Tom, hangs and aliens in it. Bu Light here comes in and Tomminx provesthat he cannot not only fight the enemy but befriend the enemy and furtherprotect us from the enemy. Thomas Hanks is an incredible actor. I loved him in the aunt bully as aproducer. Oh okay, wait! WAITWAIT! I think I have to vot for Tomhin Fon thisalone. He was Mister Rogers in a beautiful day in the neighborhood, andI was actually mad that we man at myself for confirming that we shouldonly do alive people because I needed erajes as the ambassador. I want tohear a little bit more from M bforewere,... hasty ton judgment I wastalking mystepbrother before he went into this episode after I already sented my pigsand then went to him and was like what do you think about these? He was likeyeah mean. If I could do it over, I would definitely pink a child becauseit's the most pure form of humanity, so it's showing the best side of humanityto the aliens 'cause. They obviously know more than us. If they came here,they were able to get to us. We weren't able to get to them hm they, obviouslyno more than us. We need somebody, that's going to ask the right questionsix year old, Drev anymore. Obviously, we'll ask the right: Clug WHUCD, you,like recent peces she's, already been like introduce she's, no going to havelike a moment where she's going to freak out she's Gon to be like. Oh mygos, so grat to see you to this okayso. This is cost post. The events of thefilm et jrewberry Drew Mery Mores, like eight now sees like been through that Imat Nalian new aliens are here. Let's get, let's talk to him, she'salready one and Oscar Sheoso, okay, so th the actoress from playing in thismovie has gained practical skills to speak to living aliens yeah. I did it.If I wanted to pick the actor the character, I would av thi character. Iwould pick the actre. I like that. Okay, I, like that a lot. I think, that's barGod. I think she's very spunky, I'll head act with you that kids suck kidsare horrible. I think it depends on when you get this kid 'cause I've oncompany, saying that, but drewberry more e t age incredible. I would loveher to speak up. My behalf atd anything 'cause he's adorable spunky. If you gether like between the ages of eleven and sixteen she's going to ruin relationswith this alien species forever because she's, why are you ven taling to this?You just said she he've already decided that it's two years pposat this pointshe's an eight year old with one good movie: Oh Shwhat, the fuck. Were youdoing at eight years old, coping in your pant. That episode? Look! Look! Okay! That'sthat's cool on the premise the aliens aren't just like I'm a fucking kill thefirst person that shows up and what is a kid going to do. Get murder. Probablythat's interesting, you're, an embassador. If Youan abassadors, goingout there, you've already ensued that there's peace. People want to talk I'llpush back against that, but I also don't think that Tom Hanks is going tobring any more heat than child through Berry. Wark can he's just recovelingduring a life threatening disease. Apparently two of Themla- this is veryimportant. Is Tom, pinks pringing Wilson, as like a funhhey. Remember me:Umpron Castaway, here's Lilson 'cause it Sel, and that has a lot more pointsthan just Tom, hanks being like I've, dot, Mydo a little bit more than TomHanngs impressone. For me, real quick, I'm talking me wow Tom Hanks, is banefrom the backant movie and so to say angels enjoyed me inCashor. I never opened the package angels and Demons: The divincicode Tom Hes Semovia, the movies Gon aghelsand Demens Callin the DVINCI Code. This is arecut that Tom hags didhimself. He l. These are his favorite movies to film and he thought he'dsplace him together into one meg ahead. Well, they're the same fucking, Jonraor Nthey might as well be the same mad mysteries but complicated aliens also complicatedhaving a guy who can solve complicated problems when a complicated being showsup feels like a good idea. I think that Tom Hig sees the best in us and I thinkhe would be a good ambassador to the best of humanity and I think he wouldmake the aliens Whoa really welcome here. We want them here right ifthey're, good, Elians Premis of this is aliens. Have arrived, do we knowthey're aliens cause tha ain't our spaceship? They go. People Ba send usyour person. Do it. I we figure out how to interpret that in some kind oflanguage. I like send us your dude, Oor woman. Lady do do that, and this is whowe pick. We know nothing about these aliens other than they just rolled upon us in their spaceship and they want to talk to us. We don't know if they'rehere for peace, we don't know if they're here for a good time or a longtime. We just want to make sure that we send our best representation asa species. You've, given me drewberry Morin topacs, so Tom hinks is going toshut. I Shov to the aliens he's going to check him out he's going to bereally friendly at Hert. She's Goinna like really be ready to negotiate makesome friends. Also. Did you guys know that he is an avid typewriter? He likesto use old typewriters to write people personal now, so he's going to writethe Gillan the nose. This is me taking up a eight hundredpound typewriter, putting it on the alien desk. He literally has thepresidential metal of honor he's got...

Obama on his side, so I tho the wholeworld is onto sand. He needs to fight that. I think the world is won TomHanks side. I don't think, there's an argument against tomingks all. We haveyoure arguments for Erte cors a six year old ais year old, she's, prettysmall. If E T wanted to throw some hands, he would knock her out in one t:Bi O no EI. He build like a like a four kid, so I don't know about that. But Iwould like to say clair. You said there is not a bad argument for Tom Hanks andhis son isn't bigbuthat O ro shut shshthags, his God given name isChester and he goes by chat better than the chest. Oa End in Chet or Truman orColin I'm sending Dontis setding Thomas Jeffrey Hanks. Rbarymore has reallyjust got it down pack. She already knows how to communicate with him.She's, not scared of them. She's been educated in this. I think that TomHanks argually has everything that six year old strewberry were also has, butit also has Obama, there's Asa Songn evallitr very more. So that's prettygood. There's nothing musical about Tom Hanks got a FREEN IB LE O shit, nevermind. Okay, putting this one up to a vot. It is drew Mary more as a six year.Oldvers is Tom Hanks, as Captain Phillips just getting Tut O Taller.What do you think about do veryone mind of experience with one randoalion? No,a good one, the good dude, I'm just afraid, we're going to have like ascary, Olien and she's, going to like oo do and also the truth be told, was e t handled all that well, did itcause the CDC to have like a major crisis? was that a good diplomatic wayof nailing the situation? A sounds like a six year old mistake: I'm Gointa haveto go with something: It's nothing about jouberry, more, it's a six yearold drober. Can I I want to pitch something as as a Cavyat to that toller'cause. I think we are worried. Are these people going to be antagonist?They they've if they've evolved to intercell Ir Space Travel? Hopefullythey move past war, O that I don't know. We don't know about that- maybe they'reso colonial think about. If we set up two of these people, drewberrymortimaks up in our little space shuttles up to the spaceship and we find outbuck they're, not chill aliens, they just vaperize Tom Hanks. Everyone isvery upset if we find out they just vaporized drew berrymore after like oneall right, movieg that made me cry as the child. I wouldn't feel that bustedup about it and I would know that they're evil, I'm going to Tosk myvotes to Tom, hangs because in doing research for this he's one of the tencelebrities that does have a seat purchased on the next mission to themoon. When Virgin Galactic figures out how tonot blow up rockets he's getting on that one. I'm giving this one to Tom,hangs Tom Hanks is moving on to our next round, but don't get comfortablespecially, not taller, because it's you versus me baby, John Steart, exactly everybody had a reaction,because this man is a legendary. We Ha reacted because that's the most typicalpick that I could have picked for you. It's on brand perty, much onbrain, but you know whyison brand 'cause he's my hero. He has led to no less than hold on. Let meread off these names: Stepen Colbert, John Oliver Hasimana smentha, B,Trevernola, Jordan clepper. All people brought up through John Stew and threeof those were good shows. He also is just smart, like he understand politics,and he roast people in politics like if we send this guy up there to alienshe's going to be like Yall, a Fuk and stupid. Let me show you what's wrongwith your society. This is how to fix it society down there suck too he'sgoing to give an accurate picture 'cause. He understands it. NOTAL. Thewhole thing is that you think the aliens are coming here for advice andJohn Stewarts going to be the one that gives them the advice, no advice or nothe's going to l, explain what's wronge them, they're going to be here forwhatever the hell, they want w they're much stronger than us. Let's be realthey're, showing up on our doorstep, we're not shown up on their door. TatHe's he's strong when he needs to be, and you know, sweet to people thatmatter. I want to introduce someone who, I think, embodies all those qualitiesas well Um. This is this is a man that I grew up with m. This is a man who iskind. He is quick to action and slow to anger. He has taught a lot of people abouthumility and he's taught a lot more people about Kung Fu. I want tointroduce Jackie Chan as the ambassador for the human race O wo, a Oka, JackieChan. He has an illustrious acting..., an incredible career as amartial artist and a short lived career as a musical artist that one's prettyrough, don't Google. I spend most of my day looking up his songs. That's notwhat I'm talking about Jackie Chan is unassuming physically. I feel like hecomes up to the aliens. Sorry! No I just I just found Jackie Chann DOTCOMhold up ihope you're re, because this isanother one of those no fucking ways: Jackie Chaibe, hello, all right we'regoing to just I'm going to share my scream with you all wousers, JackieChan, dotcom is made in two thousand and one this is just. This seems likeit's just Jackie, transbor ahold on Jackie Channis, on a Broccoli Award.It's just called the Broccoli Award for Albert or Broccoli for a worldwidecontribution to entertainment, but still yea, I'm Jackie Chin and I've onABR. You know where Albert Broccoli is he's. The Guy who owns the writes toJames Bond. The Broccoli Corporation makes all the chames bom move Bunfacthr.No, it's very silly Barbara Broccolis in charge right now and that's why themovies have goten a little bit Better Oo, Okily Y, it doesn't matter whatkind of aliens we have up. There he's ready for a fight and he's ready forfriendship and he'll figure it out pretty quickly which one it is he's oneof the purest sweetest, most physically powerful humans. We have, he got hisstart being having the ship kicked out of Hem by Brucelee on Hong Kong actionsets, because if the way they do stun coordination and Hong Kong, if youdon't make it to the final film, you do not get paid sooften stunt actor showup in Hong Kong and just get their bones broken for nomoney. Bruce Lee would pay stunp people like a hundred bucks and said: Can Iactually kick you and they would get hurt, but they would guarantee thatthey got paid that day and Jackie Chan would get like a hundred bucks and alsoget Bruce Le to shatter his rib cage. I think it tiet him humility, but alsodeal making he's ready to broke her peace, brokeher, trade and fight withhis fists, if necessary, he's the whole package. Well, unlike Jackon Jan JohnStewart went to Williamand Mary and he had a hole. He had this to say about his tat grewup in Hong Kon. What do you mean? Of course he had got to William and Maryhe's been yelipping. He went to the sandle of card rocks. Wait until youhear what John say what it was doing. He was waking up late, memorizing,someone else's notes, doing bong hits and going to soccer practice, whoeveryou can throw whoever Adam John stear can handle them Jack and Chan. I don'tknow if he's going to like freak out and probably like pull out some comfulike hit 'em in the head and then suddenly thereare going to be likenukes dropping on us from these aliens in twenty ten Jackie Chan visited abuilt, a bear workshop in London and constructed two stuffed pandits that henamed Chanla and Chan g everywhere. He goes. He brings two Bildebar, stuffedpandas and ask his celebrity friends to pose with them he's bringing pandas tothis interaction, a hundred percent disarming, probably very biologicallyconfusing for the aliens. I think that's a one, two punch Um. You saidthis happen in twenty ten yeh, but you Wan t know what else is happening intwenty ten John Stewart wrote a bestselling book titled Earth The book,a visitor's guide to the human race. Oh R, it you are building pandas, Youare,building, nthe aliens show up John Stewart, isn'tjust the best candidate he is prepared for the aliens he is ready to go. He'sgot a whole fucking book he's like don't even talk here. You Go. JackieChan wrote an unauthorized, sixteenth book to the Bible. How about this?Twenty ten John Stewart's collecting all this information on the human race.I guess I hapen two thousand and six Jackie Chan bought a Segua deaalership.We had to send one person and we decided everybody's, like John Stewartwould crutsh this. I loved to work at the daily show, he'd be o to talk toaliens, the Arkye Sang, but that's besides the point he goes in the doorcloses im the rended of humanity and I'm like did we really just do that?Did we send John Stewart in there? Also? All Republicans are very angry aboutthis, but that's that's! Okay. With me, we send in Jackie Chan. The door closeseveryone's like. I think we fucking did it like. We just got it in one there'sno way you're going to hate Jackie Chan. There's has whole apparently fiftypercent of America Yiks that doesn't... John Steart, because he's right,the other half those people, probably like Jackie Chan, 'cause, they lovedhow racist rush hour was. Everybody can get behind Jackie Chan, also you're,not if the door closes and johnstrds and the Yo a little worried. If JohnSit's going to come out. If the door closes in Jackeachhand, then they'reyou're not worried. If he's coming out Kno, he is but like before he goes in.He gets at least an hour to Prek right, I'm atting this rule. His training crewis Stephen Colbert. It's John Oliver, it's Husaminag it's Amantha B, it'sCravernoa and his joting clepper between them. If Jordan clepper gets achance to talk to aliens work, bucked Jackie Chan fought a hovercraft inVancouver in brumbl ing the Bronx because they couldn't afford to film inthe Bronx. I want somebody with e range to do a very serious film to appear atUN meetings. Someone who can physically beat the shit out of me has raisedbeautiful children and also had a cartoot shell about his adventures.Here's what I think this might be controversial, but I want John Stewartaround after the aliens are D in doing their thing or like, while they'redoing it to us, whatever dirty thing aliens want to Dohow. Did you alreadybring it here? You nool onlet's talk about sex ailings, because Jackie Chanappeared fully nude for an adult scene in one of his movies. Jackie will dropTrou in order to make these aliens see what they need to so I' glde. We knowthat I'm glad that he could handled sex aliens, Munalians and good Nice Aly.Let's say that the aliens are supermene and they kill Jagkie Chan or they killJohn Stewart. I want them to kill Jackie Chan, Wer Havis it from a verydark kind. Yet I were justiting an its like who would we at least likely careabout if they die? Who goody, we think would be good at talking to people, butalso deeply expendable, which is so rough, I'm putting this P to a vout. Itis Jackie, Chan, Cungfu, sweet ad versusJohn Steart, a smart man, a feity man of masternegotiator. I want Jarkichcan to Representa Taliens. You strike to. Ilove that Emily I canwe've weached a quorum then wh this the most orderlymoving on to the next round. It's Jackie Chan, Clair. This is your chanceto bring a fighter on par with Tom Hanks you're, going up against me.You've seen the heat up and bringin all night talk to me about your number to pickall right, this ones for all the kids, the teens that listen to our podcast,all of em, I'm bringing in a tictok star for this one huddy Hark off CCLERE.Can you explain to the vast majority of listeners who litl Huty Li honey is one of one of the mostoriginal famous tick talker he's seventeen eightee, probably eighteennumber, Theys Litt old for the people he's hanging out with he became reallyextra famous because he dated Carlie, Demilio Tiktox, most famous star who'slike sixteen years old and those dances and little honey comes in and he stickshis tongue out and he parts his hair down the middle and he wears all blackand he paints his fingernails and he's Inxty, but gangly, probably the worstperson to be around. He probably just is not a good time. Il I'll. Stop therefor now, weird place to stop for tit, lit and singus that he's good well I'llcome back. Coacaroune is your theis that you want to shoot someone intospace really bad and your pick is Alhadi. Think aliens are indating. Ithink if they meet little honey, they're saying let hem out. Let's turnthe ship around and we're going home. All we'd all need to know about thisone. We don't want to know any more. This boy is sticking his tongue out toomuch she's doing these weird dances with just his arms and not any otherpart of his body. He keeps saying words like transitions: Soup, FIP, hpase baby.You know- and so I think, theyre like no getus out of here. We don't want it.We don't Ha t anything to do with earth and carry on is normal and potentiallythey take him with them. For Science M you're you're showing the aliens ofthis is a tainted lamd. He is essentially human bugroom help hes whatyou M have given us. Okay, that's interesting! I like that he hisattitude es so corrosine that aliens would not want to establish the futureof the human race. Ido't want to talk... you guys about someone near Anto to my heart. I wantsomeone who is willing to have a talk with God. You Know H. I wish that we can have blackman represent thehuman race. Someone who knows that there's joyinside my tears, someone who will look at these creatures say: Isn't shelovely as if it's magic, you know some creature from another star, maybeSaturn? Something with Ebony eyes or an old FAC sucker, it's going to be aneasy going evening. No, we don't know what the aliens aregoing to look like, and neither will our ambassador I'm bringing steviewonder to the flight. Steevie wonder also known as one of thegreatest artistsof all time. He speaks the universal language, and that ismusic. We want someone who's not going to be visually arrested by these creatures.We don't know what they're going to look like you walk into thisinterrogation room. John Stewart might see this horrible Amorphous Glob oftenicles and death and be very scared. No such reaction from sevie o just likeHesee Co on in this elevator real quick and we just no Prak Sev, you Waner,said tale it's not it's not going to be like the second Charliene, thechocolate factory book where they do take an elevator to see aliens. This isabout Stephen wonder it's probably notspon. It's Stevelynd, I'm Dodsosinstilled ont. He was born as Stevelon Hardaway judgens. Of course he changed his name and hehad a number one billbord hit when he was thirteen years old. I think you'llfind a little bit younger than noted piece of garbage little honey ifthey're evil and they blast im he's lived a good life. Imagine the gramysesalute that would happen after that, tol be so good. Se Aner really made it.That would be so wild since he'd died by aliens. What wouldwe're, recognizingsteewe wonder after his valiant effort to establish connection with alienswhen ARY and they toasted him the remainding thirty three percent ofhumanity is here to salute his musical contributions. Stevie wonder rights inthe key of life. He understands humanity so deeply that he is able tocraft the whole album of songs that illustrate every human experience. Heis someone who has known struggle. He is someone who his known fame he'ssomeone who is so powerful a lot of people. Don't actually believe theseIFE, which is so juicy. We also have to think about Te edvidance that we'regoing to be having cure right so as Stevie wondere you're coming out nonotwith HA visual description. That's true! That's like a really bigpoint is like we w. He can't be a liason between us. Are they purple dowey have feathers, we don't know and we're back in a dinospaursage. Well,hetty returns Ed a tick talk of the alien we have the most accurate,quickest blog of his day. He's like woke up gotta, Go Bean Ilienan Asooday,and then he goes up and he like Ewe, get quick shnots, not shots. They're,not great pictures, they're kind of Artsea keep us the sparkle thing onthem, so we don't know if they actually sparkle or thajust a filter. But in upto a vote it's sevy wonder American treasure versus low hody American curse.I don't know I'm actually I'm struggling with this when I went backand forth declare Clares, reqailing and surpriseYeh, primarily because the viewpoint that we could send his this idiot upthere and he could functin up so bad. The aliens want nothing to do with us,and that seems like a decently good option, all thin considered and the onepoint of Issue Hav bee STV is that he really. He really don't see anything.So I gotta go it. I gotto go with little hunting. Sorry, it's one fatalflaw is that this man is blind. If we set Stephen Howking up there ridsomeone who's, probably most equipped on the pplanet Earth to deal withaliens and they ask for a hand shape. Do you think that's going to happen? NOLISTEN! You can't judge Steevy, wonder by the fact that he's blind you AOL,he's a artest little Hotey, I'm judging him because he's stuck ok yet so closeencounters really set it off for me and I'm going to have to go with the manthat can tickle the Irace and also it's...

...twenty twenty. We have gopros yeah. Wenever thought about the fact that He'as wearing wile CAA wor, okay. This is ourfirst interaction with an alien species, of course, EU're setding. In a camera,this man's blind, idn't think about it. Helie goes up in snapchat spectaclestall. Are you changing your vote? Ginjemobo ys IV, you wonder, is movingon to the next rounds. Let's get to it, we are rounding out our first round.It's taller versus M okay, I picke Billnife Seinsguy Bill Bill will illtheone the only the great the Peter Dinkledge ie. I have some thoughts about both ofthese very excited. Okay, so I ot asscience guy my thought process herewas M. I want somebody that knows about space so that they're not wasting theirtime with questions and with answers of year to have right. I want a guy thatknows about space, who hasn't rpersonality and has the humans raisedinterest at the center look you're right bill. Nine he's he's a great. Iwill recognize this, but I gotto go all in when I'm when I'm fighting repid formy guy here. So I'm H, repping for the little guy here, quite literally PeterDinglige, comes in at four foot for but guess what he's also proud he's? Alsobrooding he's also men of honor. Also brooting is such awild second descriptor. To say about somebody, you might be wondering why I mentiondbrooding, because when we send these these people up into space, they haveto look the part. They have to look intimidating and brooding and ready totake on these alien guys. I just think of him as gave e thrones Badass. He is always in control, heknows what's happening and he his genuine concern, is what's best for thepeople. His moral compass is a line with whatill help the most people,regardless of whois in charge. So if faliens are like look Hereis, whatwe're offering we'll be your government, if you get let us get rid of yourgovernment. That sounds like a great idea and Peterdinklie will be like yeahyeah go for Ebro. You can have it Tala. I really actually amviving with yourargument to him essentially forsaking, all terrestrial forms of government inorder broker the best future for the human race 'cause. That is somethingthat I didn't think about at all. In this conversation, see a that Peterdicglish gets up there at the alins he's like ylarerly it you eat cinabunand it doesn't hurt your tummy like. Obviously I want that for earth, like,let's figure out how to do that. I think I wou say that as long as theywere climate deniars, what if th y they got ta cross solar system on a coalpowered spaceship they'e like send us to coke brothers.We have to talk about mountain top removal. I also think that in Americanclassioms, Bill Ni could be confused as a demagogue. Whenever a teacher wheelsin that big s TV, it's still the same tt they always wheel in 'cause. Ourschools are underfunded, but our police are overfunded it vis in the? U S atleast, and they wheel in as big TV and its God buill y on VHS in it and allthe kids just yell till till Phil Phil that is paw. But the aliens see thatand they're like Oh shit, we got their leader, Peter dingligh probably has onean award for writing. He was Jist, probably school for it. He knows how towrite ere's a lot lobables in here tolad. He probably want to know AbeltPeace Prize honestously. All I had thought through for puter Dinfleg Lashheodid, good andgemathrones and he managed kingdom and he did diplomacyHMIDID O. I had not thought about bill in if I had thought about bill and Iwould have tried to pick Bilim not go lie. Tillni he's probably like numbertwo to Tony Haw on ones. He should have picked him for that. Ye Shouldn' be theegt funder of the world. Yeah I'm going to have to withdraw my supporter now wo. I tried to climb my my footing there tosee if I could find an argument and I've been staring at the same screen,trying to think through what my argument could be for Peter dinglage.Is that fo just a big glossy JPEG of TD ings nope? It's the Weekopedia version, AsoYall after after a last minute withdrawal in case anybody has anythingspice E. does anyone have anything mean to say clar? What are you thinking? Iagree with all that has been said. It's definitely going to be bill. I I thinkthat Bilder is going to impress the aliens they're going to be reallyexcited to come, hing out all right.

Moving on to the next round. It's billpill Pi, tell ne the and for copyright reasons I can't cou as that, so bill NIis moving on not to be confused with famous British actof Bilmi next roundClaire Representing Tom Hanks. I am representing Jacki Cam Claire. Why doyou think Tom Hanks? I think the Tom Hings as played a lot of reallyimportant roles throughout his career as an actor, and I think that he hasportrayed so he acets of humanity that most actors have not been able to pulloff in their lifetime, that unemployees people who sleep in airports, fake cowboys, anybody from the moviecloud, outloms Heis such a deep understanding of humanity and living onearth. I think another like good point to bring up here, though, is thatJaakechan has essentially already like merged to to parts of the world that wouldn'tnormally you know, come together that often he's something that Cho differentparts of the world can already come together on, and so I think, havingthat training to not only know Cung Fu and use it when neated he's also aglobal superstar. Who means a lot to a lot of different types of people around yeahthat's, cute, okay, yeah, so townhangs did perform in e ND, nine teen and ninety five movie opollo Thirteenand afterwards RNASA name asteroid after for him hell tell you what forten dollars, I culd buy a constellation right now, it's so easy to own space,because there's so much of it. You know what's hard to own pece of this boy'sheart piece, O piece of piece in my heart is Jack. Ie chansgot, some realestate there I Jesus Christ and Jackie Chan JC Times two baby theyre in hereand thinks is pleaded to Abraham Lincoln are't me kind of all. Okay, explain that you know notorious BuckerAbraham Lacon jus you at this point. I feel like we're all kind of all related.I just think. Okay, I think Tom Hanks is a leader for all of us, Hey CaptainPhillips. I know it's base on trusre. He wasn't that great of a captain, hekind of goofed it pretty hard half in so another duke showed up, and it waslike I the Captin now and he said you all right yeah and I can't believe theguy, an a hundred and twenty seven hours cut off his arm. What Hily Sto Iit your hard keep your arm push the bowlder Jackie Chan would have done aback lip at O, a shit, Jackie Chan, one hundred and twenty seven Jackie Cann'smovie is called forty. Eight minutes. You can't you cannot detaiy this man,I've seen him JUMPR or Lark. That's so funny, I'm putting this one to a vote. It'sTom Hanks purses, Jackson Cham. So I think maybe you just got me at thewrongtime for the past couple of months, though, I've been feeling some sort ofway without Tom Hangs in the sense that he's just completely type cast. He justplays the same role and m feel afraid. Ond, disagree. Opinions are welcomed,however. I. What kind of role is that is that someone who is formerly incharge being surprised by a new change, for instance woulde as the sheriffbudn' surprised by buzlighter or Captain Phillip, being surprised bysmalli pirates or fucking, Captain Solly being surprised by Geete who fors come surpriss by asssuch, aandixion. I think I'm going to have to go for Jackie Chan. You know I wasreally going back and forth, but I think I'm I M, I'm walking in my bollfor Tom Hangs, I'm also going for Jackie Jan all. This is a tie between honestly, I enowthat Sida. I am genuinely pleased to have ither of these men. The arerepresentative, I think, they're, both delightful people. The question is, who a e you going tocall introducing special tigh breaking guest Teddy Tellus whatsg? What's goingon guys, we are choosing well I'll, give you some back story. Aliens havejust visited, Congratulationsto, tousand and twenty just got wholeloweirder aliens who dropp down to Morraw as the human species. We have topick a representative to send to this meeting with the aliens I want. You totell me who would be a betper better representative of the human species, isit Tom, hanks or Jackand Chan, and why so good as o Isten as good as we've gotto ental representations of of the HumanSpirit Tom Hanks has had coted, so some might say, he's invincible right now,Chacky Chan...

...he's got his martial arts to fall backon does his own stunts. I wish I had that to fall back on. For being honest,like if anything happened to me, I I have nothing. I have a pie- cat wow wow.Well, I'm getting to this point. Everyone, quick pat on the back Ho, didit her R, no business here it's to CA. Ibette have o I'm going to have to say Jacky Chan as an Asian man. He represents more ofthe the human spirit and more of thepopulation. Here, Onerumy didn't even grew up at all, which is so wild athinky, so much Jack Mshan is moving on to the semi finals and this episode toCheeseyour fighter our next rounds. Emily get ready. It's me versus you. It's bill, Ni, thescience guy versus Stevie. Wonder Bil Nigh developed the Sun dial that wasincluded on the Mars rover and I think that's really potent to thisconversation Um you know. Not only is he able to ask the right questions, buto already has something that he's put out into the world into the universe onMars. He's already got an in he's already doing something: Um like justfalliback on what I said before. He'sthed we WAN hes. Do we want for thejob? I don't Know How el O say it Pala said Advass itself: It should have beenTony Hawk, but if it can't be Tony Hawk, then it's got to be buill on Bu th,Clarthis ones. For you Claire, I supported Obama's relection Libi Stevie wunderplayed the inauguration.What do you want out of this if I closeness to Olbama Stopan horse knownto the world as Stevie, wonder crafts, songs about joy and loss, love andloneliness with a musical style entirely his own sorry? I don't know ifyou'll caught that this is Obama giving stevie under the presidential metalfreedom. I'm putting this one to a vote. It's seedy wonder versus bill nigh theScience Guy. You know where I standing or NSTANDS, but what matters right nowit' Clarantal Aclaire, this one is when it's like. I don't want to do it. Youknow I don't want have to do. I don't want to do this one either s your MitorDrinka game. If you say this is tougher, I don't want to do this thon'. I islike the scientist that I want to send to the aliens and Stevie wonder, is themusician than I want to send to the aliens like I Wann. I want them both togo. Can if I pause you really quick tomanks Jackie can stevie wonder orBill Nig as a force of going to visit. The aliens has solved everything we didit, but we have to kill our darliagues on this one, and I just want to tellyou hever you don't take, is going to die. My heart says Sevie, wonder myhead says: Bilnai it's Gointo as yo Ti Nih ill Nie, Oh werd ill. I Ti. Wouldyou have gone till nig asked hetty again sa long time listener. First Time,Onsidfirstsi love- I mean this, I'm so proud, F Yoall, because couple ofmonths ago you wouldave have these four all stars and we wull have left it atthat. HMAND. Now we're really having yeah, you guys are really getting intothe WEA. I mean Gein Iy graing face the music we've entered into Thanale, all of earths leaders have gathered in a room andthey have winnowed down all seven point: five billion people on this little bluemarble, and they have decided that these too straight men, our our answer to an alien invasionaliens have shown up. They opened up their little blue door and we aresending in either Jackie Chan or Billnig Emily Wyse Bill Ni. The best hope forhumanity tell Ni knows what to talk about knows how to communicate knowshow to bring back that information to the scientist. insuing people of theworld, they'll theyll, theyll they'll bill doesn't have what the fuck ittakes because Jackie is in the running. Ini is an incredible person. He saved alot of teachers from having to teach when they were hung over, so they couldjust wheel in a giant clasn teeter, Jackie Chan taught a generation aboutjoy. Jackie Chan taught us about themalleability of human fleshing sine Jackin Chan... one movie jumps through two rugs of a ladder and then throwsthat ladder at another man and kills him. That's cool nothing agains billnigh, but like Jackie's, going to bring the sauce he's he's cool like that he'slike an icon for a reason, a he's, a sexy man, who's been doing it Ontetelevision for years, one look at that body and they're like Whoo, and then, if you throw bill nigh they're like yeah, I don't know if Youe reallyyou're like sure you're smart, but like not, do you bring ty sauce? Do you bring the sauce me ants going toEill? I equal science, scienticals facts, bacxsequal what you got, what come on? Colty works, an threes, better history bet or Pizza Papa JohnSpark. That's impenetrable BII is the obvious PICG here. I think the lestvery relevant still more. I think he's more relevant than Jackie Chan is right.Now till I no, I was going to make a point that he's Geen on dancing withthe stars. I don't think that's a good point. It's a negative ot Tois, it Godto be on that show Wati. I just. I think that would show that he's notrelabit, but he's he's backaround. He ontitok were bringing back he's fine.He O e Talkin, so he's cool an does. He have the sauce. Does I son the SOSTknow him o dancing with the stars. I can tell you a hundred percent Gomot S,my Hab Sou, his Tongo had no Tang to it. Ok, seeing a good dancer was not aqualification that we're right, you're, right, you're right, absolutely so guys,I'm just going to leave you with. This is my argument for Jackie Chan. No I'venot previewedness to see if it'll help me or hurt me just a two thousand and eight JackieChan, Musin roomamdelose on the youn believing yourself. That's a twothousand eight Jackie Chanor RISPO US believe, but I telt my heart breakingyou guys ask me what sauce looks like that? That's sauce when we get when weget back to it en we get back in the dirty club and wereweredance withstrangers, which song do you want to hear bill? I wellwel well Wel Wellsay SAWellwell, wel. Well, well, Wellwell Saysaif! You can get tirely the Creatorto Remix your theme song. I think you have the right to talk to aliens andI'm going to Flit my vote Claire and emily both made a really good point, tolated as well. I think Jackie Chanhas infinitely more sofce. Oh my God. Thisman could not bill like never. Jacki Jan could look at me for longer thanone second and I would be in those genes ubgnsen. But if, if both of thesemen went into the Blue Room Congratulatons they didn't getevaporated, they both came out. I would listen to Bill Ni because he taught meas a child. Jackie Chan taught me the way of the fist, and, yes, I am adrunken master and I'm ready to fight at a moment's notice, but he didn'tteach me about the water cycle and I know that the water cyce cycle is real.I don't know if I'm that good at Comfu. So for that reason, I'm going to cash.My vote, Forbillni Helyea, Yoall Bill Nigh, has one out in the end I night iswho we are sending on tehalf of humanity. If twenty twenty keeps goingon this track, aliens are bound to show up and we're sending Bill Ni firstthrough the gates to talk to them. Yo. If I've learned anything, it's thatthere's not a single person alive that can represent a human kind as well asPrince David Bolyed, Mister Rogers, orst Berwin, any of the alternative Tetthat we would have had for this episode. Yol. If I've learned anything from this,it's that aliens should have come in two thousand and twelve. Thank you. Wer Listening to choose your fighter byname Evan Arkan said we will talk to you all e.

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